Washington, DC (Rotters) – Attorney General Alberto Gonzales yesterday attempted to wrap himself in the last visible shreds of the Constitution that he and the Bush administration have so callously abused over the last five years. In perhaps the most stunning display of head spinning mental jujitsu on film since Linda Blair appeared in The Exorcist, Gonzalez concluded the day’s proceedings by saying “there have been many statements today about ‘no one is above the law.’ And I would simply remind… and I know this doesn’t need to be stated… but no one is above the Constitution either, not even the Congress.”
Gonzalez, throughout the day, doggedly obfuscated and refused to divulge any new information, repeatedly stating that he “could not comment further on this particular program in question”. The follow up question obviously begged in response, such as, “Oh, and what other programs are there in place that you’re not telling us about?”, apparently was beyond the capacity of his learned interrogators on the Senate Judiciary Committee. The question apparently was not lost upon constituents viewing at home, as Rotters reporters learned that television sales at national chains Best Buy and Circuit City skyrocketed by 40% in one day yesterday, with purchasers admitting to having thrown objects through their old televisions.
In a rare moment of accidental candor during the day, Gonzalez briefly revealed to the committee and to America a glimpse of the technology the administration is utilizing for domestic spying in the war on terror. In the midst of an impressive display of bobbing and weaving for New York Democrat Charles Schumer, Gonzalez suddenly paused, and stated, “hold on… I’ve got to get this…” and proceeded to remove his shoe, which apparently had a concealed phone. “Mr. Goss said this has line of questioning has gone far enough,” Gonzalez stated after briefly listening to the shoe and then replacing it on his foot.
The Washington Post, yesterday published an article based on statements from anonymous NSA sources that largely shows that the “particular program” is largely 99.8% ineffective, calling into question the administration’s staunch insistence that it is a necessary tool in the war on terror. White House spokesperson Scott McClellan responded to the article saying, “If this isn’t definitive evidence for the needed for domestic spying, then I don’t know what is. These leakers at the NSA will be hunted down and brought to justice. And I also say, shame on the Washington Post for planting disinformation and applying their own political spin. What should be obvious to any true American is that thanks to the Bush administration, they are now 0.2% safer from domestic terrorists thanks to our exhaustive work and due diligence. Our cone of silence on these domestic programs simply must remain, or we risk falling into the clutches of chaos.”
Senator Specter’s hearings are expected to continue today and tomorrow with appearances from other key individuals. It is rumored that former attorney general John Ashcroft may testify, but informed sources stated that he may simply take the historically unprecedented option of simultaneously pleading both the fourth and fifth amendments.