Hidden, TX (APE) – Web search engine powerhouse Google today announced that it had acquired a licensing deal with alternative Internet news provider Unconfirmed Sources. UCS will be added to the recent acquisition of Associated Press, Agence France-Presse, UK Press Association, and the Canadian Press, offering full access to all of its articles and photos.
“Our goal has always been to offer users many different perspectives on a story from as many different sources as possible, and these guys are really out there!” stated Josh Cohen, business product manager on Google News Blog.
“Many of the thousands of stories on the internets are actually the same article, which tends to bury the truth which is obtained through viewing different perspectives. In this case we’ll show the definitive original copy without giving credit to the multitude of plagiarists. Of course, if you want to indulge yourself in the “mainstream media noise machine”, it’s still only a click away, explained Cohen. “We are always looking for ways to help publishers to distribute, promote and monetize their content.”
UCS Owner, and editor in chief Kamal El-Din stated that he was “ecstatic over the deal”. “We’ll be rolling out a major retooling of the Unconfirmed Sources website thanks to this projected increase in exposure and capital. We have amassed some degree of satirical capital, and we’re going to use it,” stated El-Din. “I’m really looking forward to increasing a lot of our writers and photographers salaries… they’ve worked hard and they deserve it.”
Writer Dood Abides stated, “Wow, this is just awesome! It’s like we’ve won the Powerball or something. I was doing pretty well, but this is like frosting on the cake… I can finally splurge on that new Tesla that I’ve been lusting after. And I’ll be making a sizable donation to the Fred Thompson exploratory campaign campaign…. he’s definitely the guy we want to face in ’08.”
Writer Gunther Schnitzel stated that he was looking forward to adding a second breakfast nook to his retirement beach house in Florida. Writer Ed E. Druckman announced a major set overall for his Ed-E-Torial video broadcasts and a sponsored internship as a field reporter for The Daily Show.
Writers Dominus Noster and Walid jointly announced that they would indeed be quitting their day jobs, and editor Kamal El-Din stated that the prospects were good that he would be able to entice former writer Chuck Terzella out of retirement after paying off certain legal obligations.
“We fully recognize that the Unconfirmed Sources product is satire by the loosest of definitions,” stated Cohen, “but their brand of strictly unsourced and rampant speculation has proven to be consistently accurate, if not entertaining and controversial. They are always well ahead of the facts.”