Google News Changes Format- User's Ecstatic!

I use Google News as my homepage…at least I did until yesterday morning. That was when the Goog got cute and hired the team that developed “New Coke” to redesign their web page. Now I don’t mind innovation- automobiles, jet airplanes and the I-phone spring to mind- but change for changes’ sake is sometimes just stupid- like invading Iraq. Now, not only will my satire pieces still suck, but I’ll have an even harder time finding stuff to write badly about. Based on the quality of my work, it’s like Google hired me to do this design; it’s at least as bad as my work, if not more, and that’s saying something. The only hope is the company fires the bright sparks that thought this piece of crap up and goes back to their old format.

My immediate reaction to the change was, “Well, I’m old, and this new format probably appeals to a younger, more tech savvy generation.” Then I had a thought (…but it died of loneliness), “Wait one fucking minute. Younger, tech savvy people don’t actually read the goddamn news and even when they do, they don’t use something as antiquated as a laptop to do it…they use their phones.” Then I went to the comments link on the new Google page and saw that every comment, every single fucking one, was negative. For the first time since my German Sheppard left me and moved in with the Border Collie down the street, citing irreconcilable feeding schedules, I didn’t feel alone.

So Google screwed the pooch on this one. The only question is- will the company that literally controls the planet listen to the people who live on it? They don’t have to, of course. They can just order us all killed, which, given what we’ve done to that planet, might not be such a bad idea. Either way, they have the power to do what they please.

Oh shit…I just had even another thought (and it’s not even 4:00 AM yet…another reason why all this sucks). I depend on Google to post my stories. I never understood why they do, because as I’ve said, they suck (my stories, not Google), but they’e done it consistently for more than six years now. But if I write something negative about them will my name be removed from their logarithm…will I end up on a sort of web-based ‘no post’ list? Maybe I should re-think this for a minute…

So, upon reflection, I realize that Google is the world’s most innovative brand, employing the soundest and most forward thinking minds. I trust them implicitly and if they think this new format is they way to go, then it’s undoubtedly the way to go. If it seems confusing, ugly and six giant steps back, like I’m reading the news on a Tandy, cassette tape driven machine from 1987, well then the fault is mine, not theirs.

In fact, aside from being the best and brightest, the people at Google are also incredibly handsome or beautiful, as the case may be depending on gender and/or sexual orientation…you know, good looking. They’re no doubt also witty, charming and erudite; the type of people you just naturally want to cozy up to in a bar and spot rounds for all night. They never get food stuck in their gleaming white teeth and always smell good (once again, depending on all that sexual orientation shit I just went through but am too lazy to write twice).

The White House should consult them on every issue from school vouchers to full blown nuclear war. In fact, Google should be President, or at least a political party of it’s own. It’s the bestest, sweetest, and greatest company ever devised (of course, if they drop me from their crawl, they’re just a piece of worthless crap and should be dismembered…no wait! I didn’t say that!)

It’s not that I’m a hypocrite, fickle or a suck-up toady. I am all of these things, but now’s not the time for introspection and besides, I’m not going to change. Unless Google wants me to, of course.