(San Francisco–CA) Google Inc, as of last Tuesday the official keeper of all knowledge in the world, played Iran to U.S. District Court Judge James Ware’s George Bush. The search portal said that it would not turn over data that would make it easier to track down sex offenders. Rock icon, Gary Glitter, immediately praised the act.
Glitter responded with a phone call between beatings in his Vietnamese prison. “I and my arse thank Google for taking a stand in this matter. When you start getting in bed with the government a lot of bad things can happen. Things that make seducing a fourteen-year old, who by the way didn’t look a day under sixteen, seem as innocuous as Rock & Roll Part 2.” However, in a statement released by the White House, President Bush had a different view and bashed Glitter. “As a country, we have to remember that all that glitters is not gold, some times it’s crap coming from a Vietnam jail cell. Americans have to know we will not use this information in some peeking through the keyhole manner. This is to catch bad guys. Take my web searches. You won’t find anything. Sure, maybe a few hundred visits to Sapphic Erotica, but that’s class. It’s named after a Greek poet.” Calls to First Lady Laura Bush have yet to be returned.
Judge Ware maintains that his ruling will only require a random selection of 50,000 Web addresses and 5,000 random search requests from the Pennsylvania area. He believes that this information will increase the government’s case against pornographers. Glitter was less adamant about the ruling since “I ain’t been to PA”, but quickly stood firm. “This still doesn’t make it okay because let’s face it what an adult does behind closed doors in front of his computer with a jar of mayonnaise is his business.”
Google co-founder, Sergey Brin, was quick to capitalize on his company’s stand, unlike search engines Microsoft and Yahoo, who have turned over data to the government. Cooperating with the government said Brin, “is a slippery slope and it’s a path we shouldn’t go down, unless of course it’s search engine censorship at the Chinese government’s request so we can be the first to get in on that all you can eat buffet of users.”
Vice President Dick Cheney’s office released the following statement in reply to Brin: “As a proponent of the War on Terror, Vice President Cheney is appalled. As a businessman, he understands. In short, the Vice President is, as always,confused.”
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