GOP Election Update- Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Texas Governor Rick (The Quiet Man) Perry has put out a series of ads in Iowa to be broadcast on television markets and on cable throughout the state as part of his bid to win the Iowa Caucus. Wearing a light blue shirt, The candidate speaks directly to poor Iowans who every four years bear both the distinction and the brunt of being, along with New Hampshire, part of the ‘first in the nation’ states to vote on who they want to win the nomination for president. Anyway, Gov. Perry says, “I’m a doer, not a talker, so when it comes to debating other GOP contenders I’m just gonna stop talking. If you want to see what I’ll do, you’ll just have to elect me without any input on my part.” (At least we’re pretty sure that’s what it says…no one here actually gets any Iowa television; it’s one of the good things about being a New Yorker in California).

Mr. Perry has apparently identified the main problem with members of national government- they say things- so he has promised that if elected he will take a vow of silence for his entire term, using charades to lay out his proposals for balancing the budget, fighting terrorists, dealing with border issues and the whole host of issues that confront the leader of one of the world’s most powerful nations. According to a spokesman, who chose not to speak on record because he doesn’t have a clue about what’s actually going on, “Governor Perry realizes that his entire term as president will be mostly a grand charade anyway, so he figured he’d go all the way.”

Meanwhile, one of Mr. Perry’s current main rivals. Pizza Pie Guy Herman (How About A Little Sausage On That Slice, Huh, Honey?) Cain, says that he’s been “thinking back”, trying to recall if maybe, one day, he kinda mighta have really sexually harassed one the women who sued and won sexual harassment cases against him. After first denying that any harassment had taken place, ever, Mr. Cain then admitted that it was possible that when he was president of the Restaurant Owners Association, someone did indeed sue him and won, but since the guys in the group are just so sweet, they decided to keep the news from him.

According to Mr. Cain, “It’s possible some bitch whore slapped me with lawsuit…you know how crazy women get around ‘that time of the month’…but if they did and won, I hope they didn’t get much, cause they’re (women, that is) just not worth very much. I mean, even the best ho’s only charge a couple of grand a night.”

Meanwhile, Mr. Perry and Mr. Cain’s closest rival, former Massachusetts governor Mitt (Call Me Anything Cause I Once Was One) Romney, has been struggling, despite boatloads of cash, to get his message across to Conservative Republican (an admitted redundancy) voters who are suspicious that if elected he might try to do something to help poor people, like give them affordable health care or some crazy Liberal damn thing. The issue of what’s being called “Obomney Care” by Tea Party members has plagued the erstwhile governor ever since they figured out he was a Mormon.

On the lower end of the GOP Hit Parade, Michelle Bachman seems to have been “Left Behind” after winning the Iowa Straw Poll several months ago; hoping to make hay from that win, Ms. Bachman’s campaign has instead apparently gone to seed and the three leading candidates have mown her down.

Ron Paul, the perennial candidate, has picked up the endorsement of Anonymous Hacker Group, who sent a blanket email to all the members of the various Mexican drug cartels explaining that, given Mr. Paul’s lack of any real support, ” the irony was just too cool to ignore.”

Newt Gingrich has picked up endorsements from all of his former wives, whose sheer numbers have effectively put him ahead of all the candidates put together, in terms of actual votes.

And finally, the Tea Party, in a rare show of sympathy for someone, is deciding whether or not to put Rick Santorum in the lead for a week or so, just to make him feel better about himself. And if we missed anyone, fuck em, they ain’t gonna win anyway.