Republican Party insiders, while on the one hand gleefully egging on the more racially intolerant members of their rank and file (read: The Tea Party), are on the other slowly recognizing that a party based on celebrating Confederate History Month and voting “No.” in Congress may not be the best long term strategy for political survival. In a country that’s becoming increasingly racially diverse, GOP strategists have begun formulating plans for what comes next, as in, ‘What if the President’s Healthcare plan is a wild success and forever becomes known as “Obama-care” but in a good way’, or, ‘What happens when we wake up one morning to find America’s a multi-racial nation and we’re just a bunch of old White men and Neo-Nazis’?
Unnamed GOP Spokesman, Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” We were all sitting around the club having brandy’s when someone pointed out that by 2050 we’ll (White Men) actually be the minority. With advances in health care I plan to be alive in 2050! But I’m not planning on being an old member of a minority race, especially after all the crap we’ve been pulling off on the N…uh, Blacks and um, Hispanics over the last few decades. I’ll personally be rich enough to have armed security guards and stuff, but the way things are going half of them could be minorities, uh, I mean the majority and…Jesus, this is all still so hard to take in.”
He has a point. The new Healthcare Initiative contains quite a few things specifically designed to help poorer and middle class families, which is as devious a plan as any that a party so disorganized as the Democrats could come up with. Some are slated to commence in September before the mid-term elections, leaving even people with an IQ of say, a naval orange (read: Sarah Palin) just enough time to both absorb the positive aspects of the changes and realize it actually benefits them. The only worry is that two months isn’t long enough- they should have started educating the denser cases (read: The Tea Party) in say, 1996.
But the Grand Old Party is nothing if not adaptable. After all, they adapted quite nicely to George W. Bush’s near bankrupting of America with his unsustainable and reckless borrowing from Communist China to finance his War in Iraq and keeping taxes and interest rates artificially low, causing the recent economic bubble and current Recession. Add his giving away the $122.7 billion surplus the Clinton’s left him and you end up with an eight year spending spree of approximately $12.4 trillion dollars, the interest on which was $12,311.4 billion alone the year Mr. Obama took office and which, like your credit cards when you pay only the minimums, just keeps rising.
Yet the Limbaugh’s and Beck’s of the world have been able to convince their listeners that this deficit, the largest in history and almost half of what Sarah Palin’s made from book sales and speaking engagements this year, is still Mr. Obama’s fault. Pretty cool. Yet the danger remains that Mr. Obama, like Clinton before him, will manage to reduce this Republican-made debt and give American’s affordable healthcare to boot. Should this tragedy occur however, the GOP (Greedy Old Pricks) are ready.
Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that he’s always been secretly “Down with the Brothers and a Hep Cat”, said, “We have an ace up our sleeves and luckily it’s the ace of spades…get it?” When informed by this reporter that he did get it, but sincerely wished he hadn’t, Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that he once had his hair cut by a Black man and so is an honorary Brother, continued, “Say the worst happens…well, short of our fanning the flames of racial hatred to the point where people are shooting each other in the streets, that is…and Obama actually fixes the mess we left him. We’ll have to do something to take the credit.”
When asked how they could possibly do that, Waterhouse, now speaking on the condition that he’s secretly a Radical Muslim Socialist said, “Well, it’s obvious. Barack Hussein Obama, the first Black president, suddenly becomes Barry H. Obama, a Half-White guy who’s just imitating the GOP, which everyone knows has always been against out of control spending, even though we always do it. So it was the White half, the part that’s related to Dick Cheney, that fixed all the problems that the Black half caused. You see, Barry Obama is secretly a White Republican! It’s perfect.”
And it actually is perfect in the schizophrenic world of American politics. By making Barack Obama a White man, the GOP (I can’t think of another insulting name right now, so please make up your own) could actually find itself becoming the Party of Mostly White People (PMWP), which, while a kinda shitty acronym, could just save their sagging old pasty asses. The current plans are to scour the data bases of the Mormons to find any trace of European blood in everyone from Al Sharpton to Jay Z., pointing to their “White Count” as the reason for their success.
While White Supremacist groups such as the KKK and Fox News may have a bit of trouble grasping the concept, the general feelings among the Republican elite is that Rupert Murdoch can’t live forever and Sarah Palin can be taught anything, given a few years of intensive tutoring, a couple million dollars and telling her that she was the one that thought it up in the first place.