After months of drifting, looking for one solid issue that they could pin the candidacy of John McCain to, the Republican Party feels they have finally nailed down a strategy, one that may just bring them not only the White House in November, but if embraced by the party as a whole, a majority in both houses of congress as well.
The new strategy is known ” HOWDIK”, or,’ How Do I Know?’, and may be the first coherent, or at least honest, answer John McCain will have given during this entire long run for the White House. And given the American people’s need for political obfuscation, it may just be the perfect reply to…well, everything.
Unnamed McCain Campaign Spokesman, Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “Look, everybody knows that John has been anywhere from one step to thirty years behind the curve when confronted with any breaking issue- the economy, health care, social security, hair transplants, the military threats posed by Toronto and Iran. One day it’s ‘The fundamentals of the economy are strong’; the same afternoon it’s, ‘ My Friends, we’re truly in a global economic collapse’. Another day it’s, ‘We need a strong Federal Reserve Chief, so I’m going to name Meg Whitman, the former head of the Mr. Potato Head division for Hasbro to the post.’ It’s become apparent that John is really so far out there that the Hubble Telescope can’t find him.”
Continuing to speak on the condition that he’s always been a secret Obama admirer and shouting “kill him!” at that rally was just a way to get crowd warmed up, Waterhouse said, “Anyway, we were all hanging around the pool one night at the Super 8, getting smashed on Mai Tai’s when someone asked, ‘What’re we gonna do for jobs after we get stomped in November?’ I said, “How Do I know.’, then threw up in the pool. That’s when it hit us. Honesty. No one ever thought about using honesty in a Republican campaign before. It perfect.”
Continuing to speak on the condition that next time I learn to edit myself down to 350 words on these puff pieces and cut out the extemporaneous bullshit, Waterhouse went on, “From now on, anytime someone asks John a question about what he’ll do, whether about the economy or Osama bin Laden, his answer will be an honest, ‘My friends, how do I know?’ You see, the world is changing so fast that no one can know from one day to the next what they’re gonna do about anything, not to mention that the older John gets, the less even he knows about what he’s gonna do or say from one minute to next. Plus, it’s a really perfect answer for Sarah Palin.”
Dropping his last Xanax into his beer, Waterhouse finished, “So let Barack Obama come up with plans and strategies all he wants. Once elected, John McCain will hit the ground running in all directions at once. The hope is, by 2010 or 11, something will work itself out.”