Unconfirmed sources report that the government will soon require all satire sites to display a label from the surgeon general. The labeling scheme, much like the nutrition labels for food, will be required for all satire sites. The system will be monitored by the Department of Justice and Office the Surgeon General. Attorney General John Ashcroft has promised the strictest enforcement of the new labeling standards.
Surgeon General Vice Admiral Richard H. Carmona calls the new standards a milestone in consumer protection. “This has been one of my greatest concerns since these sites began popping up. Satire can be some dangerous stuff if it is not used wisely. People have been getting hurt and we have to put a stop to it.”
“Vice Admiral Richard H. Carmona is right about satire being dangerous stuff.” Agrees Brooke Gladstone of NPR’s On The Media. “Satire is the use of ridicule or scorn, often in a humorous or witty way, to expose vices and follies. Lately, certain people like Jon Stewart and many web sites have been using satire against the government. The Bush administration is worried, and should be, that these rogue satirists are actually educating the public about the government’s policies. And for an administration that prides itself on doing things under the radar and behind the scenes, educating the public is a dangerous thing indeed.”
“I’m frustrated with our attempts to stamp out the satirists.” Admitted Attorney General John Ashcroft. “As you know, I have tried very hard to defend the public against the scourge of satire, but without the full backing of the people it has been a losing battle. I think the labeling is a half measure, but one that I can get behind. Our long-term plan is to regulate and tax the bastards right out of existence. I think that given time we made be able to turn satire into nuisance, rather than the over whelming threat to the world that it poses today.”
Site labeling will take effect immediately and non-complying sites will be taken down and their editors and writers will be jailed and sent to Guantanamo Bay, where they belong.