Guantanamo to be Reopened as Branch of Walter Reed

Washington, DC (APE) – Late this evening the Pentagon revealed its plans for Guantanamo Bay, putting an end to rumors that the Bush administration would be closing the controversial prison. All enemy combatants will be removed by the end of next week to make way for the overflow of mildly wounded and combat stressed soldiers returning from Iraq.

The Pentagon stated that it would be working in conjunction with the CIA and conducting round-the-clock flights to undisclosed locations throughout the world where the vast majority of prisoners would continue to be held and some repatriated. Over the coming months thousands of the more highly functioning wounded Iraq War veterans will be housed in the same facilities in an effort to provide intensive rehabilitation designed to return as many as possible back to their combat units.

“We happened to see an advance screening of Michael Moore’s new movie, Sicko,” stated a Pentagon spokesperson. “Incredibly, Mr. Moore was correct in his assertion that the quality of medical care delivered to the prisoners at Guantanamo far surpasses that available for our returning GIs. We’re just responding… adapting and improvising if you will.”

With suicide being a common outcome among combat stressed soldiers, it is hoped that the highly trained personnel currently staffing Guantanamo will be able to effect a change in the deadly trend.

“This should serve as an example to those who would accuse the president of being cold and inflexible,” stated White House press secretary Tony Snow. “The president is determined to show all manner of support to our troops during a time of war. We’re confident that this new medical facility will have our young men and women whipped back into shape in no time at all.”