WASHINGTON — White House Spokesman, Tony Snow, announced today that plans were underway to close the detainee section of Guantanamo in Cuba and transfer the inmates to other facilities.

Snow said that since the U.S. people are against torture WITHIN their country, that the former French prison colony of Devil’s Island off French Guyana will be leased, reactivated, and the old torture instruments will be updated.
” The prisoners we could legally torture off shore in Guantanamo, can now be
‘ made to confess’ outside the boundaries of the USA. I’m sure the American taxpayer will approve of this.” said Snow. ” The Arabs we rounded up without cause and have no idea why they are incarcerated, will be sent to Alcatraz, which will shortly be ready to receive them. We will continue to run the Alcatraz prison tours, as many Americans have never seen an Arab. The tour fee will help pay for the upkeep. One section of Alcatraz which will not be open to the tour is the juvenile section where the seven to twelve year old terrorists will be housed.”

In a follow up speech, President Bush gave his approval to the transfer. ” We’re removing the only bit of democracy from Castro’s shores.” said Bush. Also, we are encouraging missionaries to mingle with the heathen inmates and change their superstitous witchcraft religion of Islamism to the true religion of love, peace and compassion; Southern Baptism. The Koran will be banned and replaced by the only True Word, the New Testament. If these terrorists every get released, which of course, I doubt will ever happen…but if they do, I am certain they will return to their homelands and spread the words of democracy and enlightenment they learned while among us.”

Reverend Pat Robinson, upon hearing of the news, crowed, ” Only the Republicans are capable of coming up with innovative ideas like this!”

At the suggestion of vice president Dick Cheney, his old company, Brown and Root, has been awarded a no-bid contract to research new torture techniques now that electricity will be available at Devil’s Island for the first time.