Gulags, Organics, Horticulture and Walter Jones: Unconfirmed Sources News Briefs, June 12th, 2005


Show Me The Way To Go Home:

Pressure on the Bush Administration to set a timetable for the military to withdraw from Iraq is growing, with North Carolina Congressman Walter Jones adding his voice to the call for withdrawal. Jones, whose district includes the military base of Camp Lejune and who coined the dopey phrase “Freedom Fries”, was a one time ardent supporter of beating the crap out of Iraq who has now proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that even obvious idiots are now having doubts about the war and it’s aftermath. President Bush remains committed to the death and destruction however, proving that he’s not an obvious idiot; what exactly he is remains a mystery. Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney responded to Mr. Jones’ comments by saying that Howard Dean is over the top.

At Least President Bush Knows What A Gulag Is Now:

Calls are also growing for the Bush Administration to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, which Amnesty International has compared to a Soviet Gulag. Former President Jimmy Carter is the latest and most influential voice in the demands to close the prison. Charges that guards have beaten and tortured prisoners, defaced Muslim Holy Books and made detainees wear women’s panties have abounded recently. Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney has responded to the request by saying that Howard Dean is over the top.

What Do You Mean We Don’t Know What We Is Doing?

The White House is taking exception a classified British report questioning the United States postwar planning in Iraq. Assuring the American people that the Administration had laid in a more than adequate supply of flowers to be thrown at the troops, red, white an blue bunting to hang around Baghdad and flight suits for President Bush to wear, White House officials have said they can’t think of anything else they could have done to make the transition to democracy go any more smoothly. Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney has responded to the charges by saying that Howard Dean is over the top.

An Oily Fellow:

A Senior White House Aide who was on loan to the Administration from the Oil Industry has abruptly resigned to “spend more time with his family” after it was revealed that he edited a major report on the effects of global warming and greenhouse gasses. Instead of allowing the report, which blamed the rampant use of fossil fuels for the depletion of the atmospheric ozone layer and the rise of greenhouse gasses, to remain as is, Phillip Cooney instead altered the report to blame actual garden greenhouses around the country for the ruin of the environment, particularly blaming organic greenhouse growers. The revelation of the changes has caused another black eye for the Administration. Vice President Dick (Dick) Cheney has responded to the resignation, saying that Howard Dean, while over the top, would have probably made a much better President than George W. Bush. Of course, Mr. Cheney also acknowledged, a small brown stain would have probably made a much better President than George W. Bush.