Gulf Spill Update- BP Explores The Nuclear Option

After multiple failures in it’s attempts to plug it’s out of control deep sea oil well in the Gulf of Mexico, BP has announced that it has begun a new phase in oil exploration- exploring what might happen if you set off a nuclear device over a spewing oil well 5,000 feet below the surface of a body of water filled with crude oil. The statement, issued by the military arm of British Petroleum, is significant on two fronts; it marks the first time that the once venerable oil giant has admitted it possesses it’s own nuclear arsenal and second, it finally explains exactly what those “Beyond Petroleum” commercials were actually referring to.

BP, which has always prided itself on cutting edge technology in the pursuit of raking in billions, at least until they got their cutting edge bound up and stuck in the well pipe, a mistake common to guys who go to Home Depot and buy and use a chainsaw for the first time, has issued a list of pros and cons regarding the use of it’s use of thermo-nuclear well capping science, which it dubs “Operation Devastation Desperation”. In this case, the devastation refers to BP’s stock value, which has recently plunged far deeper than the leaking well.

Unnamed BP spokesman, Manfred (Oily) Slickman-Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “While the use of atomic weaponry may seem to be a bit of an extreme solution, there are several strong points in it’s favor…well, perhaps not ‘strong points’ per se…really great ironies might be a more apt description. For instance, using one potentially catastrophic source of energy to solve the problems caused by another catastrophic source is just too delicious to ignore.”

While various environmental groups have raised their collective eyebrows at the plan, suggesting that adding radiation to the already noxious mix in the Gulf might be considered counter-productive at best, Slickman-Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that “he wants his life back and anyway, he berths his yacht in the Mediterranean so it won’t much affect him, had an answer to their concerns, “Normally, we’d agree that popping off a nuke on the seabed might, in certain extreme circumstances, cause some minor disruption of the local eco-system, but since there seems to be no eco-system left, that concern has luckily become a moot point.”

While there is as yet no official reaction from the Obama Administration, retired Major-General Fletcher (Broken Arrow) Gore, once the head of the Military Options Planning Group in Dick (Dick) Cheney’s secret National Energy Policy task force and now the current head of BP’s Armed Response Wing, is said to be 100% behind the idea.

General Gore (who my wife insists I clarify bears no relation to Al Gore and that I used the name just cause I thought ‘General Gore’ was kinda funny), while being famous in the Pentagon for never speaking more than three words at a time (a talent which endeared him to then President George W. Bush, who was equally famous for being unable to understand more than three words at a time), is said to believe that whether it works or not, blowing off a nuclear device will at least make Sarah Palin so hot for him that she’ll spring her own ‘well leak’ and lend a new meaning to the command “Drill Baby, Drill”, at least for him. General Gore is an enthusiastic supporter of Palin for President, hoping that one day he can…um…serve under her.

Slickman-Waterhouse, still speaking on the condition that he sold off his 186,000 BP stock options at $50.00 a share less than two hours after the initial explosion of the Deepwater Horizon and is set for life, said in closing, “Look, I know that there could be some fallout over the plan…get it? Fallout? Heh, heh…but since your President Obama has come and publicly stated that he’s responsible and the American government is in control, we really don’t care what happens. Anyway, we’ll be long out of business, or at least operating under a new name, by the time any negative effects become apparent. And as for the nuclear device, we’d like the world know one other thing…there’s more where that came from, so watch what you say.”

(I know I said yesterday that the tragedy in the Gulf just wasn’t a topic for humor and it’s not. But as a bird must fly and Michael Savage must rave insanely, so too a satire writer must write, although his heart is utterly broken.)