Hackers broke into Bank of America (BofA), JP Morgan, Citigroup and most other large financial institutions yesterday making off with over $16 trillion, according to Unconfirmed Sources.
“We have about $3,400 in assets left that were hidden in secret accounts,” said BofA President Brian Moynihan. “But you can rest assured, we will find your money and get it back!”
Even smaller institutions were left without money. “They wiped us out!” said Brookline Cooperative Bank Manager Tom Dillion. “They even wiped out my Christmas account!”
Federal officials were at a loss to explain the identity of the hackers who took all the money but said they are working on the case “night and day”.
“We will find out who took the money and we will insist they put it back where they found it”, said FBI Director Robert Mueller III. “And if they put all the money back now we will drop all charges against them”.
Mueller explained that the FBI is not as interested in punishment as much as it is in getting the money back.
“Besides”, Mueller continued, “We don’t have any money to pay agents to go looking for the money”.
President Obama has offered an unconditional bailout until the money can be located.
“The good thing about the government”, Obama stated, “is that we can just print more money to replace the money that was lost!”