Hamid Karzai Elected President of the United States: Bush, Kerry Shocked

In a bizarre twist, Afghanistan Interim President Hamid Karzai has been elected President of the United States. The news is all the more stunning because the American Elections were not scheduled to take place until November 2, nearly two weeks from now. Both the Democrat and Republican Campaign Committees are scrambling to ascertain how Mr. Karzai managed to win the election so early, especially when he wasn’t even on the ballot in the United States. Just as surprisingly, George W. Bush has been chosen to be President of Afghanistan.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “It’s actually kinda funny; a bunch of our fake Bush ballots somehow got sent to Kabul on a military supply transport and were counted there. Given the fact that America has so many more people than Afghanistan, Bush was the easy winner. Of course it’s a little less clear how Karzai was able to sweep the election here…we thought we had enough extra ballots to go around.”

Afghanistan has a population of nearly twenty six million or just about half the amount of ballots cast for Mr. Karzai, which of course would have raised serious questions of vote fraud if Mr. Karzai had become President of that country rather than the United States. The US has a population of just over two hundred ninety million; Mr. Bush received slightly less than five hundred million votes.

A confused John Kerry has conceded the election, pledging to work with Mr. Karzai saying in a written statement, ” While it would have been nice to actually have an election to decide who would lead America we are still very pleased to hear that the next President is Anybody But Bush.”

While Mr. Karzai has been determined to be the clear winner in this country, America’s electoral problems may not be over. Mr. Karzai, speaking from Kabul has said that he may not accept the Presidency of the United States. In a statement issued earlier Mr. Karzai said, ” Given the divided and rambunctious nature of Politics in the United States, I’m not sure that it would be safe for me to be America’s leader. That is one wacky country. Afghanistan is a political Garden of Eden compared to that place.”