Washington, DC (APE) – Authorities are describing house Speaker Dennis Hastert’s survival of a bus accident just outside the Capitol building early this morning, as miraculous. They stated that the speaker had only lost his glasses as a result of the encounter. Medical personnel also stated that recent experimental radiology treatments designed to address a skin infection probably contributed to saving the congressman’s life.
Hastert, visibly shaken, spoke briefly to assembled reporters, along with fellow congressmen, John Shimkus and John Boehner who apparently might have been witness to the incident. All three, on advice of counsel, refused to discuss the particulars of the incident, but stated that they were part of a larger group of 40 Republican leaders that were meeting that morning to discuss possible solutions to the political scandal currently enveloping the Republican Party.
“I’m OK, ” stated an outwardly stoical Hastert, ‘It’s not blubbering time…”
The charter bus was totaled in the incident, and, in another miracle, apparently no one was injured. The bus was full of Republican operatives and fundraisers, dispatched to buttress congressional and senatorial races nationwide in a last ditch offensive, prior to the coming November midterm elections.
Authorities investigating the causes of the accident immediately dismissed the suggestion that Hastert himself had intentionally walked in front of the bus, in connection to recent pressures for the congressman to resign his position as speaker of the House in wake of the growing scandal surrounding Florida Congressman Mark Foley. They stated that Hastert, on the contrary, seemed glad to be alive, and a little angered by the incident.
The Greyhound driver, a seasoned veteran, a Mr. R. Kramden of Brooklyn New York, was interviewed and stated that he was thankful that no one was injured given the extent of damage to the bus. Kramden stated that he had been advised by Capitol Police against discussing openly the specific circumstances surrounding the accident.
“We had just loaded up and departed,” stated Kramden. “The group on board was pretty happy and excited… you would have thought they were on a honeymoon or something. Maybe I was a little distracted by the commotion… and then out of the corner of my eye, there was this big group of people… and bang, zoom! Honeymoon over…”
“I’ve been through DC before,” continued Kramden, “and you’re always really careful. There is no telling what you might see that people have thrown out in the streets here.”
Congressmen Boehner and Shimkus expressed relief over Hastert’s welfare, but refused to comment on their physical proximity to the incident.