Washington, DC (APE) – President Bush this morning made it official by announcing Air Force General Michael Hayden as the new head for the CIA, ending a weekend of speculation. Hayden stepped forwards today to aggressively promote his ideas for a new direction for the CIA. He admitted to the press that his ideas were not entirely original, and based upon a year’s worth of groundwork laid by former director Porter Goss. Hayden announced that the CIA would now be striving towards developing the human intelligence factor, or HUMINT, worldwide, which was one of the CIA’s founding goals. He stated that in order to pursue this goal in the most cost effective manner possible, the CIA would be partnering with Wal-Mart Inc. worldwide thanks to its innovative human resources practices.
Hayden sought to silence critics, both Democrats and Republicans, who insisted that his appointment would only be trading in a military uniform for one of pinstripes as the Defense Department swallowed up all American intelligence activities. “Well, you’ve got me there I guess,” stated Hayden, “but I would add that I will be putting on a new uniform different from one you think.” Hayden then modeled for the press assembled his new Wal-Mart SuperSpy Center greeter’s vest. “There are hundreds of millions of people out there worldwide who would love to spy for the US, and this is a way to do it as cheaply as possible.”
Hayden stated that the CIA and Wal-Mart were also a natural fit when it came to expanding the Bush administration’s controversial domestic surveillance program started at the NSA under Hayden’s auspices. “The pioneering work that they (Wal-Mart) have done with RFID and consumer thought control is simply stunning,” Hayden said. “When you consider the resources that they have available worldwide, how could you not be excited about this partnership.”
Hayden went on to confirm a number of beliefs which CIA insiders had about the actions of former Director Porter Goss which have seemingly left the intelligence agency in disarray. “Porter went in with a mission, and I, and the president think that he succeeded admirably,” stated Hayden. “The benefits and potential retirement packages were like a sword of Damocles. Think General Motors. When you consider that most of these old-timers really lacked the ability to put aside tried-and-true methods and procedures and think outside the box, it was time for them to go.”
When asked how this new partnership would aid in the war on terror and the search for Osama bin Laden, Hayden responded: “Wal-Mart has some of the most progressive policies in regards to having former workers who quit being welcomed back into the fold. The CIA will endeavor to honor these concepts, and I’m sure Osama will be given all due consideration. Also, while the CIA still categorically denies the rumors of world wide renditions of terrorism suspects, Wal-Mart’s worldwide shipping and distribution network will bring a lot to the table.”
In a related issue, at the start of the opening bell of the New York Stock exchange, Wal-Mart shares skyrocketed 20% amidst rumors of a potential buyout by international conglomerate Halliburton.