Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano Unable to Achieve Orgasm; Nation's Security at Stake


Embattled Homeland Security secretary Janet Napolitano admitted today that she has been trying unsuccessfully to have an orgasm since December of last year and is on the verge of giving up.

“Things have been so crazy since I became Secretary of Homeland Security”, Napolitano revealed in an unusually candid interview. “And now with this Nigerian bomber guy and everything I can’t even lie down long enough to concentrate on it”.

Napolitano says she was having orgasms almost daily until President Barack Obama nominated her as the new Secretary. Since then her libido decreased to the point where it is now almost nil.

“I have tried all of my usual tricks but nothing gets me off”, she stated. “I even bought a new dildo from a mail order house but it doesn’t help al all!”

Most psychologists and self-help experts say that having regular orgasms is essential for strong mental acuity. It may be Napolitano’s lack of orgasms that is causing her job performance to suffer.

Dr. Frank Gerstein, a noted Washington DC psychiatrist, suspects that the pressures of her job have become so enormous that Napolitano is unable to focus on simply enjoying herself.

“It is essential that Ms. Napolitano has orgasms very soon!” the doctor declared. “If she does not have orgasms she will not be able to do her job effectively and the security of the nation and even the world could be at stake!”

Several handsome, brave young men stepped forward and offered to help Ms. Napolitano with her orgasmic difficulties though Napolitano turned them all down.

“I prefer girls”, she said.