Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff issued a statement advising Terrorists to shy away from any airline based attacks and concentrate instead on more vulnerable transportation infrastructure such as railroads, busses and over the road tractor trailers.
Explaining that the Homeland Security Department isn’t in the business of protecting Americans from anything already on the ground, Mr. Chertoff said that after extensive reviews he believes that it was important to alert any Terrorists to where exactly the major failings in the nations security systems lay, in order that they may avoid arrest and failure.
In an interview from his office in the Karl Rove Research Center for Treasonous Leaks and Stupid Statements, Mr. Chertoff explained that while he’s at least twenty percent sure that airport security personnel might possibly on a really good day catch a match or finger nail clipper wielding Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender, it would be better for all concerned if those same Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender’s would avoid commercial airlines altogether. However, Mr. Chertoff did assure the Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender’s that cargo carriers were still fair game.
Unnamed Homeland Security Source Willard (Leaky) Waterman, speaking on the condition that Karl Rove didn’t already tell every reporter on the planet what he was about to say, said, “The Administration is facing a real problem here and unfortunately, the only people who can help us are the Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender’s themselves. You see, if an airliner gets hit again then it will be obvious that George W. Bush has failed to keep America safe from Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender’s. Yet, with the Presidents poll numbers rapidly dropping to his IQ level, George Bush also knows that the only thing that can save him is another Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender attack to galvanize the public behind him, so we’re trying to help the Terrorist Thug/Loser/Dead Ender’s in any way we can, short of actually supplying them with the explosives an timers.”
Local city and state security forces, absolutely delighted by Mr. Chertoff’s publicly cutting them loose, have responded by taking extra Valium and getting their affairs in order. This article needs ten more words to reach the Three hundred and fifty word minimum. Made it.