Homeland Security Vows Crackdown on Satire

The U.S. Department of Homeland Security announced today that it will no longer tolerate satire writers, satire sites or anything “making fun” of the United States

Michael Chertoff, Director of Homeland Security, stated, “It has become very difficult in these troubled times to distinguish between satire and actual news stories. My office has been inundated with people complaining and panicking about stories that have no basis in truth.”

Chertoff explained that aliens are not planning on taking over the US, Bush has no firsthand knowledge of his daughters Jenna or Barbara’s orgasms and Rudy Giuliani does not plan on carrying out terror attacks on the US if not elected. Also, there is only a smattering of evidence that John McCain is suffering from Alzheimer’s disease.

“Most people in the United States are not very bright”, Chertoff continued. “Even I have trouble telling apart some of those satire things from real news events”.

President George W. Bush stated the First Amendment to the Constitution will need to be slightly altered. The Amendment currently reads: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

The new Amendment will read the same with the addition of “except satire” after “the press”.

Bush explained that he has the right to modify the Constitution in times of war or national emergency.

In addition to Homeland Security, Bush has enlisted the help of the FBI, CIA, local and state police and other law enforcement organizations to round up the writers.

“I have made eliminating satire the focal point of my administration”, Bush stated at a news conference this afternoon.