House and Senate Republicans Adopt Cause of Siamese Twins

Washington, DC (Rotters) – In what may be a departure from previous stances on issues of extreme medical intervention and right to life issues, Republican members of the House and Senate have begun drafting legislation and raising funds to promote the separation of “Siamese twins” in the news recently. The term historically derived from the famous Chang and Eng who toured America with P.T. Barnum in the 1800’s. The issue was brought to light recently by the plight of two sets of Siamese twins from India, Sabah and Farah Shankeel, and Veena and Vani who are parentless. It was then driven home by the recent troubles of the House of Representatives’ own little publicized set of twins, Tom and Roy.

Senate majority leader Bill Frist stated, “As a physician, I feel that I am qualified to speak on these issues. Let me just say that I am heartened by what seems to be a sea change of the Republican party in regards to medical interventions and right to life, particularly when it comes to the fate of our own beloved Tom and Roy.”

Tom and Roy speak at a joint press conference at Walter Reed Medical Center

At a press conference today, Tom and Roy spoke: “Threats to me have seriously endangered Roy, and we both feel that we must be separated, no matter the risk. The people of Mississippi need to know that Roy is innocent, just as the people of Texas know that I am as well. We are touched by the outpouring of funding and concern for our cause as well as that of other twins.”

Tom and Roy are a rare and curious variation on Siamese twins who are fraternal in nature and joined AFTER birth from separate mothers. Both were elected to represent the separate states of Missippi and Texas, prior to their joining over time.

At present, physiologically, both share a common brain hemisphere typically responsible for aggression, loyalty, and other personality components in humans. The blood supply is said to be intermingled, and therein is the risk in the procedure to separate them.

The twins became endangered after Tom was recently indicted in Texas for money laundering. It is felt that neither would survive Tom’s impending incarceration if convicted. Tom had to step down from his role as majority whip in the House of Representatives as a result of the indictment, but was quickly and conveniently replaced by Roy.

In a strange twist, Democrats suddenly find themselves opposing legislation that they would ordinarily support to continue the partisan battle. A raucous vote on an unrelated issue in the House of Representatives presided over by Roy was concluded to shouts of “shame, shame, shame!” yesterday after he exhibited tactics made famous by brother Tom.

Plans for the separation appear to be proceeding at a breakneck pace with fundraising initiatives instituted by Republicans in both legislative branches. Expert physicians, lawyers, and accountants have been retained by the RNC for the cause. A neurosurgeon for the team spoke under conditions of anonymity stating, “The surgical procedure, as far as we can tell should be fairly easy, almost routine. The real danger that could spell certain death for one or both of them involves disentangling the fund-raising sources. If the lawyers and accountants aren’t very careful and well researched and rehearsed, this procedure is doomed.”

Dr. James Dobson was contacted for comment on this piece, and stated, “From a religious and moral perspective, God has spoken to me and the President, and blessed this miraculous undertaking. My only concern was in regards to some of the equipment which might be used. I spoke with Dr. Ralph Bob who will be in charge of the operation and found him to be very reassuring. The sponge Bob uses will be of the finest virgin quality and decidedly heterosexual. America’s thoughts and prayers will be with Tom and Roy.”