House Renews Patriot Act

Patriotism up 62%

Unconfirmed sources report that the House of Representatives has renewed and made permanent much of the U.S.A. Patriot Act by of a vote of 271 to 171. The vote came as many Democrats and civil liberties groups protest that the heavy handed and intrusive measures, that have done little to help secure America, are being used to keep tabs on groups critical of the White House. The future of the renewal is less certain in the Senate, but heavy handed and intrusive measures are being used to assure its passage.

“Passage of this act is vital to maintaining the post-9/11 intelligence reforms that have reduced America’s vulnerability to terrorist attacks,” said House Judiciary Committee chairman Rep. James Sensenbrenner, R-Wis. “The bill has also contributed to a massive increase in American patriotism. FBI surveillance of anti-war and civil liberties groups has detected a distinct chilling in anti-government sentiments being openly expressed that translates to a 62% increase in patriotism.”

“If there is one thing America needs right now its patriotism.” says House Republican leader Tom Delay, R-TX. “That is why it is so important that we renew the Patriot Act and silence all this anti-American criticism of the government and its members. That is why I offered the “With Us or Against Us Amendment to the law. Under this new amendment once this law is passed anybody who voted against it will be thrown in jail and shipped down to Gitmo were they belong.”

“This law makes collecting information on peaceful, legal, anti-administration groups a lot easier.” says FBI Director Frank Mueller. “It takes a lot of effort to collect this kind of information and the Patriot Act is a real godsend. We have a file on the ACLU that is 1,173 pages long. Can you imagine how hard building a file like that will be without the Patriot Act? Not to mention the 2,238 page file we have on Green Peace.”

According to the Winston-Salem Journal:

ACLU leaders were quite upset by the revelation and wondered why an organization advocating civil rights would be the target of FBI surveillance and investigation. Greenpeace leaders were equally incredulous. The extent of FBI surveillance of left-leaning groups is almost certain to expand as the ACLU’s information request is completed. The ACLU requested files on a number of other groups with aims and sympathies similar to its own.

“What a bunch of whiners, we need the Patriot Act renewal and thank god the Republicans in the House have taken the first step toward making it’s provisions permanent.” responded Director Mueller.