Hurricane Katrina and Rita Rescue Delayed by John Roberts' Drift On Roe V. Wade

NEW ORLEANS — On Monday, September 19, 2005, the abortion debate seemed to swamp the evacuation from proceeding. Let’s listen in to the debate that doesn’t seem to be “winding down:”

“No to ‘Roe,'” said many evacuees, predominately female as the debate and the hurricane raged.

“No to Wade,” said their male counterparts, “I don’t want to put my president through that!” seemingly confusing the president’s stand.

“This is no time to talk about how your president stands,” replied their female counterparts.

As one would expect, the debate raged along gender lines, but in this case, the women seemed to be arguing against women’s rights! The confusion lies in New Orleans slang and pronunciation.

The biggest reason for the evacuation delay was about oil. Oil companies risk stiff fines if they dilute their gas with water. They also favor the Iraq War for oil.

When the Texas oil company executive phoned New Orleans the locals identified themself as “New War Oil Leans” and the executive thought “New Orleans… leans towards new oil wars.” But when the executive got the news that the refineries were flooded and that the flood was “the end of New Orleans,” they heard a local say what sounded like “the end of new lean oil.”

Further confusion occurred over the use of slang common in the New Orleans bar scene. When a gentleman who has been drinking too much seeks relief after having indulged in too much drink, his remark is a polite way to excuse himself to go to the rest room: “‘xcuse me while I shakes hands with the president!” (the president is a dick*)

Thus, the reluctance of the males to wade instead of waiting for a boat to row( pronounced “Roe Vs. Wade”), reflected their desire, “not to put my president through that” oil soaked excrement that the mainstream press glorified with the word “floodwater.”

To help flood survivors with the threat to reproductive health posed by the “excrement associated with Wade” and the widespread distraction from proper reproductive health care that has been occurring due to a raging debate over the morning after pill, the Monty Python Comedy Troop flew in from London to help with health education by singing this romantic ballad:

Medical love song – Monty Python

Inflammation of the foreskin
reminds me of your smile
I’ve had ballanital chancroids
for quite a little while
I gave my heart to NSU
that lovely night in June
I ache for you my darling
and I hope you get well soon.

My penile warts, your herpes
my syphilitic sores
Your moenelial infection
how I miss you more and more
You dobie’s itch, my scrumpox
our lovely gonorrhea
At least we both were lying
when we said that we were clear

Our syphilitic kisses
sealed the secret of our tryst
You gave me scrotal pustules
with a quick flick of your wrist
Your trichovaginitis
sent shivers down my spine
I got snail tracks in my anus
when your spirochetes met mine.

Gonococcal urethritis, streptococcal ballinitis,
Meningo myelitis, diplococcal cephalitis,
Epididymitis, interstitial keratitis,
Syphilitic choroiditis, and anterior u-ve-i-tis.

My clapped out genitalia
is not so bad for me
As the complete and utter failure
every time I try to pee.
My doctor says my buboes
are the worst he’s ever seen
My scrotum’s painted orange
and my balls are turning green.

My heart is very tender
though my parts are awful raw
You might have been infected
but you never were a bore
I’m dying of your love my love
I’m your spirochaetal clown
I’ve left my body to science
but I’m afraid they’ve turned it down.

Gonococcal urethritis, streptococcal ballinitis,
Meningo myelitis, diplococcal cephalitis,
Epididymitis, interstitial keratitis,
Syphilitic choroiditis, and anterior u-ve-i-tis.

*… and in the case of the current administration, so is the vice president.