I Agree With Rep. Joe Barton's Apology To BP And Tony Hayward.

Sure, I was as angry and saddened as every other sane thinking person in the civilized world as I sat, first watching the aftermath of the deadly explosion of the Deepwater Horizon, then the devastation caused by the subsequent oil spill. I was horrified when Sarah Palin tried to blame environmentalists for the disaster. And I was, at least initially, enraged at Texas Representative Joe Barton’s apology to BP’s Tony Hayward and his description of the 20 billion dollar fund the Obama Administration forced BP to set up as a “Chicago style shakedown.” But then I got to thinking about it all…maybe Barton wasn’t so far off the mark.

Let’s face it- these are hard times for us all and it occurred to me that if Joe Barton, a man who’s received $1.4 million from the oil and gas industry since 1990, feels the need to give something back to his supporters, well, that’s what elected officials are supposed to do…represent their constituents. Then I got to thinking, hell, $1.4 mil. Is a lot of scratch and if I supported BP publicly, then maybe they would toss a little something my way too.

I’m not asking for nearly a million and a half bucks, I want that to be made clear right away. I’m not a greedy man and anyway, with BP being forced to shell out 20 billion bucks this week I also realize they’re a little tight too right now. I sympathize with that, I really do. No, all’s I’d want for my support is, say, fifty or a hundred grand. In the scheme of things, that’s chump change for BP and in exchange I’ll stand up for them in a series of articles right here on this website.

I’ll even give them this first one for free, just to show how sincere I am. For instance, how’s this: Tony Hayward is a lovely man , handsome, charming and intelligent, even if his memory before the Congressional Committee seemed a bit spotty. But that’s something you’d have to expect; after all, the poor man’s life has been turned upside down by this unfortunate natural disaster that no one could have foreseen or prevented, even if a lot of people apparently foresaw it and suggested ways to prevent it. Now’s not the time to focus on minutia, people. Now’s the time to stand shoulder to shoulder with BP, the best energy company in the world.

BP itself is a noble and caring entity whose angst over the spill is palpable. After all, who wouldn’t be affected to the point of tears watching 2.5 million gallons of profit a day leaking out into the water? That’s a terrible tragedy, certainly on par with the losses being sustained by fishermen and tourist communities along the coast. At $3.00 a gallon, BP is losing nearly $7.5 million dollars a day! Are any shrimper’s losing that much? I don’t think so. So it’s actually worse for BP than it is for the people of the Gulf Coast, but all’s they can think about is their selves. It’s sad.

That’s just a small sample of what BP can expect from me everyday if we can reach some sort of agreement. I can guarantee a thousand words a day, five days a week. I have a proven track record of being faithfully read by nearly a dozen people a day, so that’s, um, what’s five times twelve? It’s a lot, anyway.

Of course, if BP isn’t interested or doesn’t have the money right now, this offer is good for the Obama Administration as well. Everyone’s pissed at them too and it won’t be hard to just re-word the thing to make them look good:

“The White House, led by President Barack Obama, has been in the forefront of the fight to protect the Gulf Coast by carefully husbanding all it’s massive resources in an effort to be ready to do something really effective sometime in the near future. Mr. Obama is clear thinking man who clearly thinks that it’s clear that BP is clearly at fault and it’s therefore their clear responsibility to clear the Gulf waters and beaches of the spilled oil.”

Actually, I may have to re-word that one, but you get the gist of where I’d be going with it. And since the White House now has 20 billion bucks to work with, they may actually be a better target of a shakedown…uh, in need of a proponent. I don’t care how it’s done, I just want one of them to plug the damn leak in my checking account.

Interested parties can contact me via this website for information regarding routing numbers to any offshore accounts. I just hope someone responds faster to me than they did to the spill itself. I’ve got my eye on a used shrimp boat for sale cheap that I’m hoping to convert into a little yacht. Apparently the guy who owns it now doesn’t need it anymore. I’m not too worried if I lose it though…they’ll be a lot more on the market soon.