The antiquated 911 emergency system in my hometown has been updated and automated.
I unfortunately had to call 911 when my house caught fire last week.The call was recorded via my cell phone mail box. Let me play it back for you:

(OP = 911)

ME> ” Help! My house is on fire!”

OP> ” Welcome to the new automated 911 system. For quality purposes, your call may be recorded. For English, press 1. For Spanish, press 2. For Russian, press 3. For Arabic, press 4. For Hebrew, press 5 . For Chinese, press 6. For all other languages except Icelandic,, press 7.
For hearing impaired, hang up and dial 1-800-555-1212. To repeat this menu, press star. Thank you for calling 911″

ME> I press 1.

OP> “We will now program your emergency. If a fire, press 1. If a robbery, press 2. If a gunshot wound, press 3. If an auto accident, press 4. If a drowning, press 5. If an aircraft accident, press 6. If a lost child, press 7. If a dog bite, press 8. If a lightning strike, press 9. If heart attack, press 0. If your emergency is not listed here, we will be unable to process it. To repeat this message, press star.”

ME> I press 1.

OP> “You are reporting a fire. If dwelling, press 1. If vehicle, press 2. If business, press 3. If forest, press 4.
For all others, press 5.”

ME> I press 1.

OP> “You are reporting a house fire. If a private home, press 1. If a condo, press 2. If a duplex, press 3. If a mobile home, press 4. If it’s someone elses residence, press 5.”

ME> I press 1.

OP> “Please clearly say your zip code, social security number, name of insurance company, how many occupants in burning home, mother’s maiden name, and press the pound key.”

Me> I comply

OP> “I’m sorry, but your response was not clear. Please repeat.”

ME> I repeat…(the smoke is making me gasp, flames are approaching!)

OP>” I’m sorry but your response again was not clear. Press star and #1 and a 911 operator will answer your call.”

ME> I press star and #1

OP> “All operators are busy answering other emergency calls. Stay on the line for the first available operator. You are number 15. There will be an approximately half hour wait. Thank you for using the new and improved 911 automated emergency system. (Background music.) 10 minutes later> ” Your call is important to us. Please remain on the line for the first available
operator.” (Background music)

I’m writing this from the hospital burn center where I was taken by a neighbor who said he called 911 to send the fire department, but animal control showed up.

(Disclaimer) The above is satire. I had no house fire, no condolence cards please. GS