I Support Mitt Romney For President, Figurative Speaking, Of Course.

(2007-12-21)
Much this week is being made of Mitt Romney’s comments that he watched his father march with Dr. Martin Luther King in Grosse Pointe, Michigan in 1963. While the statement has since proved to be inaccurate (actually it’s been proved to be an out and out lie) Mr. Romney has since explained the remark, saying it was meant figuratively, not actually. This is a satisfactory answer to this reporter at least, whose own figurative life is just as exciting as Mr. Romney’s.

After all, my father figuratively bar hopped with The Rat Pack, my grandfather figuratively dined with the Rockefeller’s on a nightly basis, my great grandfather was actually figuratively dating Lilly Langtry for years and if you go way back, one of my ancestors used to figuratively write Richard the Lionhearted’s speeches, that is, until they had a falling out over how many shekels the residuals were worth and Richard had him beheaded, making that in a weird way the first writer’s strike. As for myself, I’ve figuratively dated Julia Roberts, Madonna and Nichole Kidman, figuratively hung out with George Clooney and Keith Richards and Bill Gates once offered me a figurative check for ten million dollars, which I of course turned down, not wanting to be figuratively tied down to any corporation.

But you know, now that I look back on mine and my family’s figurative accomplishments, I realize that in a figurative sense Mitt Romney and his kin are figuratively so much more moral and good than mine. I mean, while Romney’s father was figuratively marching with Dr. King my father was figuratively chasing Vegas skirts with Frank, Sammy and Joey Bishop. And while Mitt’s great, great grandfather was by all accounts the one who figuratively pointed out to Brigham Young that Utah looked like a pretty good place to stop for awhile, my own great, great grandfather was figuratively doing Lilly Langtry and making a pile as a figurative riverboat gambler. So, figuratively speaking at least, Mitt Romney and his family are much better people than I and mine.

But even if you remove the figurative difference’s between Romney’s ancestors and my own (after all, it’s not my fault that my ancestors were figurative money grubbing whore-mongers) the contrast between my figurative life and Mitt Romney’s figurative existence can’t be more pronounced. As Massachusetts’s governor, Mitt was a figurative liberal who supported abortion rights and universal healthcare while I was only for those things in a realistic sense. And while as a Mormon Mr. Romney is a Christian in the figurative sense, I’m…well, I’m not a Christian at all. I do have to say however that there’s something pretty cool (or at least really weird) in a religion that holds the belief that one of your major angels lives on a distant planet and that you can baptize family members who died centuries ago, no matter what their religious convictions were. That is, as long as you believe it only figuratively, not literally of course.

So I for one am quite satisfied with Mitt Romney’s explanation that you can lie all you want as long as you don’t mean it. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have a full day ahead trying to assure the IRS that I already figuratively paid my 07 taxes and to alert the New York State Lottery that I’ve just figuratively won thirty three million dollars. Literally.