ICAN to Shut Down Email Services World Wide

The Internet management body ICAN has announced that it will be suspending email service globally beginning next week. The shut down of the routing and address systems that run the global email network will be taken down in stages and the operation will be complete in just 4 days. ICAN has no plans to restart the network.

“I know many people will misunderstand this decision,” says ICAN President Jorge Schaefer. “But the truth is our studies indicate that email is no longer an assent to the Internet community. The amount of spam being moved by the network has made email a net drag on our society. The scams, cons, porn, not to mention the endless CYA emails has cost our society untold billions in lost productivity.”

The decision to suspend email service entirely has been welcomed by the business community and consumer groups alike. Ending the endless wave of time wasting email is sure to boost productivity in business and let the average person spend less time weeding through overgrown and spam laden email boxes.

“Thank god,” says Internet personality Molly Wood, of Cnet.com. “Email is such a drag. Studies have shown for months that 100% of email is spam, I stopped reading my email weeks ago and I don’t think anyone has noticed yet. I’m just glad that I don’t have to feel guilty about not trying to read it all. What a relief.”

Not everybody is happy about the email shut down however. Members of the WSA(World Spamers Association) are protesting the decision and are flooding ICAN with messages explaining their disapproval of the shut down.

“Hey, we are just guys trying to a make a living.” Says WSA Chairmen Clint Dorfman. “This shut down is going to put our membership out of business, and we won’t go down with out a fight. We have launched an effort to stir up a massive grass roots email campaign to tell the world and ICAN how important bulk direct email marketing is to the world economy. If ICAN doesn’t rescind this decision we will flood the world’s email system with useless mail in protest.”

ICAN has not responded to our email requests for more information about the impending shut down.