$ign Of The Times: Rolex By Hezbollah

(Geneva–Switzerland) That fake Rolex you buy on the street could be funding terrorist activities, according to witnesses testifying before the Senate Homeland Security Subcommittee. The bad news, it will still be funding terrorist activities. The good news, it will no longer be illegal. A licensing deal was struck last week between Rolex CEO, Patrick Heiniger; and Hezbollah Senior Vice President of Strategic Partnering, The Slayer of the Satan Known as the Western Hemisphere. According to Heiniger, they chose the neutral ground of Switzerland for the announcement because “we have most of the world’s terrorist money anyway. And if we don’t let them visit it, they may blow us up instead of the United States, uh, sorry–The Great Satan.”

Heiniger, dressed in a navy Paul Stuart suit; and Slayer of Satan (as he prefers to be called), dressed in fatigues and black ski mask, were in great spirits. For good reason, the licensing deal will make a combined $60 million in revenue by the end of this year. “That is a robust amount of RPGs,” joked Slayer of Satan, a Saudi born fanatic educated at Wharton. “Rolex is a quality brand, but Hezbollah puts out a damn fine time piece for ten dollars,” said Heiniger. “Of course, with the new Rolex license, base price will now be $1,000. After all, we have a standard to maintain.” “And we have many infidels to dispatch,” added Slayer of Satan.

A few problems need to be addressed, one being the sales channel–street vendors. Kavi Raz, recently removed from a U.S. watch list due to a delete key being inadvertently hit, voiced their concerns. “One thousand dollars for a licensed fake Rolex? It would do much for the cause, but it seems pricey. Can I throw in an illegal fake Prada bag to close the sale?”

While a deal with France’s Chanel will soon be struck, Prada has not responded citing “world opinion that is generally aghast and reviled.” George Bush was visibly angry at a White House press conference. “This is a crime of the highest altitude. You mean to tell me that I could’ve gotten a Rolex for a grand! Heck, I paid 25 grand for my Rolie Daytona.”