Dear Mom and Dad,
Well, the election is today and I’m looking at the end of my Presidency. I wanted to write you a letter, since you don’t always answer the phone anymore, both to talk about the last eight years and look forward to what comes next. I know that you both, but Mom especially, might be a little disappointed in my performance as President because it means Jeb won’t get his turn, but I really did my best.
Dad, I know you never liked me listening to Karl and Dick all the time. I know you thought invading Saddam Hussein was a bad idea, but Don Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz were really sure we could do it pretty easy. It was their fault, I admit it. But Dick really thought it was a good idea too, and he worked for you when you were President too, so it’s kinda your fault too, even though you told me not to do it. But I did use up a lot of military stuff and a lot of your friends made a lot of money replacing it, so there’s that.
And those Saudi and Kuwaiti guys made a pile too, just like you wanted. A lot of your friends made money because of me. I did get that done right. Who knew that the world economy would tank before I left office and I’d be blamed for it? But that was really Alan Greenspan’s fault, I admit it. It’s really unfair that everybody’s blaming me; after all, I never said I understood any of that stuff.
Mom, I know that you’re really mad at me because I made the family look bad. I know you wanted Jeb to be President too and you think I messed that up. You always liked Jeb better than me, I know that. But just because I never learned talk good is no reason blame me for Jeb. After all, I was a Governor and President- who needs to learn how to talk right when you’re already the leader of the world? And Karl told me people liked it when I sounded stupid, or folksy, as he called. So it was his fault, I admit it.
You know I always wanted you to be proud of me, but no matter what I did, you always seemed disappointed in me. I don’t know why. I really did my best. I didn’t really want to be President, you know that. But Dad’s friends didn’t think Jeb was ready yet…he “thought too much” was what they said, so they picked me. So it was their fault, I admit it. And I know you never liked Laura too much, but I did. Of course, she doesn’t like me too much now, but we can get over that. I think. Just be nicer to her at Christmas and stuff and let her help in the kitchen. And she never “put something” in the stuffing like you accused her of doing. That was one of the twins and we yelled at them for it. It was their fault, I admit it.
Now, Mom and Dad, I’ve been thinking about what comes next for me. I got some money put away, so I don’t have to worry about getting a job so much right away, but I don’t just wanna go out and build houses and stuff for poor people like Jimmy Carter does, or do international stuff like Bill Clinton; I was never too good at understanding funny accents.
But a couple of the guys and me think we can make a real go an investment thing we thought up. I don’t wanna give away too much now cause you might jinx it for me, but it’ll be me, one of King Abdullah’s kids, the one with the lazy eye, and some other guys. I was hoping you could talk to some of your friends, Dad, and see if they could put up some seed money, just billion or so. We could really make a killing, really. I’ll make you proud, I promise.