The Republican Party, faced with a slew of prospective presidential candidates whose personal lives would seem to make them feel more at home in the Playboy Mansion, or at least the Democratic Party, than the White House, has come up with a series of queries to ask aspiring nominees in order to the more salient salacious details of their past lives out of the way. Below are a sample of the questions, as well as some responses by former Congressman Newt Gingrich, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney and former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani.
Note: Parentheses with candidate names indicate their answers to each question
1) Are you a God fearing man?
a) Yes (Gingrich, Romney)
b) I don’t believe in God
c) Don’t be stupid, I’m not afraid of anyone (Giuliani )
2) Have you ever been married?
a) Yes (Romney, Gingrich, Giuliani)
c) Could you be more specific?
3) If yes, how many times?
c) God, there have been so many, it’s hard to remember them all (Giuliani, Gingrich )
d) As many as my religion will allow (Romney)
4) Have you ever had an extramarital affair?
a) Well, Duh (Gingrich, Giuliani )
b) No, I love my wife and would never hurt her (No one )
c) In my religion they’re not really affairs, we’re just looking for one more (Romney)
5) If Duh, have you ever lied to your wife about your affair?
a) Of course, you idiot (Gingrich, Giuliani )
b) Only if they asked about it
c) No, I check with them on current sizes to make sure they can share clothing (Romney)
6) If Of course, would you consider yourself a hypocrite?
a) Yes, and I pray for forgiveness every day for hurting them. (No one)
b) No, because I never actually lied about it under oath (Gingrich)
c) No, because the truth is not “faith promoting” (Romney)
d) Of course not, they should have expected it (Giuliani )
7) Have you ever dressed up in women’s clothing?
a) Don’t be gross (Romney)
b) Yes, but only once in private while role playing with my mistress (Gingrich)
c) Yes, any chance I get, but only in tasteful, designer clothing. (Giuliani )
8) Do you believe in abortion?
a) No, at least not for the purposes of this election (Romney)
b) No, unless one of my mistresses gets herself knocked up (Gingrich)
c) Sure, I mean, why not? (Giuliani )
9) Do you support gun control?
a) Absolutely, only the law enforcement should have guns (Giuliani )
b) I’m not telling until after I’m elected (Gingrich)
c) Law abiding citizens should have a background check, even though criminals can get a weapon immediately, plus only criminals should have assault weapons. I mean, that’s fair, right? (Romney)
10) Do you support alternative energy?
a) Yes, you can’t get elected without supporting it. (Romney, Gingrich)
b) No, we should just take over every oil rich country in the world.
c) Yes, I support alternatives in everything…lifestyles, energy, women, etc. (Giuliani )
11) If elected, would you send more troops to Iraq?
a) Yes (All)