In Speeches, George W. Bush Clarifies State of the Union Policies

Friday, February 3, 2006

United States President George W. Bush, in a series of post State of the Union speeches designed to bolster support for his policies, has introduced several startling and innovative new initiatives designed to accomplish the dual goals of bringing Democratic values to the fledgling Iraqi republic as well as reduce the costs of health care in the United States. The bold new proposals are being closely examined by the majority Republican Congress who see in them the potential for the own election victories greatly increased if the initiatives are passed before the November 2006 Congressional elections.

In a speech given just days after the State of the Union address, which admittedly received only lukewarm grades by both Republicans and Democrats alike, Mr. Bush laid out his strategies for 2006 in much greater detail than the speech to the nation. The President’s new proposals call for the forced relocation of American Democrats to Iraq. While at first blush this may seem to be an extreme and some say, a politically cynical measure, it actually makes some sense.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “Before you get all hot and bothered, just think about it. First, ever since the war began Democrats have been falling all over themselves trying to convince everyone that they support the troops. Second, they keep critising George Bush over the way he’s been handling the war. Third, everybody keeps calling formore troops. Well, this is a perfect way to get all those extra boots on the ground that everybody keeps calling for. We can drop a quarter million more bodies in Baghdad in no time flat. Put up or shut up, that’s my attitude, dude.”

Being just ever so anonymous, Waterhouse went on, “Democrats can show their overwhelming support right there in country, handing out MRE’s, doing laundry, trash pick up, whatever, to free up soldiers. They can see first hand how the wars going and we’ll be happy to listen to any suggestions they have. They can email us anytime. We’ll get back to them, I swear.”

While I was wondering if it was finally time to drop the whole anonymous gag for good, Waterhouse interrupted, “Mind you, this has nothing to do with the fact that a quarter million less Democratic voters in the U.S. come November might just allow Republicans to squeak by in the midterms, even with our shitty poll numbers. I can assure our friends across the aisle, or in this case across the world, that every vote will assiduously counted, if not necessarily acknowledged, and if need be we’ll have it certified by the Supreme Court. And you guys say we Republicans break the law. Why would we have to? We are the law.”

(Authors Note: After posting this story, I actually went and read it. I realized I started this thing mentioning health care then never went back to it. Quite frankly, I forgot wrote that. I don’t pay a whole lot of attention to my work, as you may have noticed. But I’ll be damned if I feel like going back and fixing the whole stupid story. At least I admit when I make a mistake. That’s what Democrats do.)