In The Wake Of Cheney Shooting, Gunfire Erupts In Halls Of The White House

February 14, 2006

The tension between various staffs in the White House that has been so apparent to Capitol watchers for months and increasingly by the American public in general in the wake of the Dick (Dick) Cheney shot gunning incident spilled over into open violence yesterday, with members of the Presidents aides firing on Mr. Cheney’s staff, who responded in kind.

Secret Service agents were forced to disarm the various combatants. Two members of Vice President Cheney’s staff were slightly wounded when they got the skin between their thumbs and forefingers caught in their pistol hammers. The injuries could have been much worse, but because they were actually aiming at each other no one was hit.

The incident started when Mr.Cheney failed to call President George Bush after he shotgunned Harry Whittington, instead he had his pizza delivery guy phone Mr. Bush’s laser hair removal specilist to deliver the news. Mr. Bush and his staff felt slighted and the whole dispute reached its head when White House press secretary Scott McClellen was left so far out the loop that he was caught wearing an orange vest and joking about getting shot while Mr. Whittington was having a heart attack as a result of the shooting. (Then again, Mr. McClellen thought it was great to get a job lying to the American people on behalf of George Bush so no one has much sympathy for him.) Angry words in the wake of that particular fiasco soon escalated into open warfare.

Work crews were busy yesterday patching and re-painting walls as well as removing shot up furniture. An uneasy truce seems to have settled over the White House; it is even rumored that Dick Cheney and George Bush have spoken once over the phone since the shooting, although the contents of the tense and brief exchange were not available. At any rate, someone seems to have finally exerted some control over the antagonists but no one knows if it’s Mr. Cheney, Mr. Bush or someone else entirely.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” Sometimes it’s a good thing to let off a little steam. Things had really started to get tense when Cheney’s guys started putting crayon drawings of skulls and crossbones and signs that said ‘Keep Out