Washington, DC (Rotters) – Pennsylvania Congressman Jack Murtha, today announced that he had received an induction notice from the US Marine Corps. The congressman’s notification came a day after the Marine Corps had announced that up to 2,500 of the pool of nearly 60,000 former Marines would be recalled to serve extended tours in Iraq and Afghanistan.
“Heck yes I’m gonna go!” stated Murtha, “I’ve been dying for a chance to really get over there and get this Bush administration cluster-(expletive deleted) straightened out. Hoo-rah!”
President George W. Bush had personally authorized the recent call up and activation of individuals from the pool of those in the Individual Ready Reserve (IRR).
An anonymous spokesperson from the Department of Defense stated that there had obviously been a glitch with the computer formula designed to assess years of service versus time spent discharged. He postulated that the incident may very well have been related to the recent theft and subsequent return of a laptop computer from the VA, which contained highly sensitive veterans information.
White House press secretary Tony Snow, encouraged the press to accept that the incident was indeed a snafu, and that DOD officials were working to correct the errors with due diligence. “Jack has served honorably, and above and beyond his call of duty to his country,” stated Snow. “Do you honestly think we would want him to go over there and have some harm come to him…? Not that the war isn’t going well or anything.”
Snow stated that the White House will continue to respond to complaints over the administration’s handling of “The Global War on Terror” and allegations that the country is not at war at all, but is desperately seeking to maintain the illegal occupation of the countrys Iraq and Afghanistan.
“Many have suggested that from the perspective of the home front, this doesn’t really look like a war at all,” stated Snow. “This war was designed and planned this way intentionally so as to have the least amount of impact and discomfort as possible on the average citizen. We now realize that this may have been a slight mistake. In an effort to correct this problem of misperception, the administration is re-examining the possibility of rescinding its policy on the viewing of flag draped coffins. We will be promoting a commemorative gas ration coupon, with the proceeds to go towards care for wounded veterans. The US Department of Agriculture will begin selling commemorative “Victory Garden” seed packs to help Americans show their support for the troops.”
“If these pilot programs prove successful, we will be considering instituting an innovative “Voluntary Selective Service ” lottery for the American public,” Snow continued. “Citizens at random would be issued “draft notices” through the mail, which would in actuality be offers to participate in a national lottery. Those wishing to participate would simply send in the entry fee and become eligible in a national grand prize drawing. The bulk of the entry fees would go towards providing needed armor upgrades to those currently serving in Iraq. Given time, we believe that we will be able to present this as a more palatable War to the American public.”
As an added bonus, Snow stated any Marine called up during his recent activation would be entitled to free entry into any of the above programs.