Dover, PA (Rotters) – Pastafarians around the world were sent reeling yesterday by a ruling from Federal Judge John E. Jones III. In a sweeping 139 page opinion, Judge Jones killed off the latest environmental adaptation of creationism termed “intelligent design”. Religious fundamentalists had high hopes for this species, but in the end it’s minor adaptations over creationism could not withstand the rigors of the harsh academic environment for which it had evolved.
While not directly involved in this issue, The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster had been watching the case intently, as it indirectly affected their push to have “spaghetti monsterism” taught alongside “evolution” and “intelligent design”. FSM spokesperson Dread Pirate Roberts vowed that the fight would go on. “By His noodly appendages, this will not stand. This is just a minor setback. We have on record none other than the president of the United States George W. Bush, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, and Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum in support of blending faith with science, and we will prevail in the end.”
Roberts stated that Pastafarians would be celebrating their usual weekly religious holiday on Friday with intensive prayer and pasta communions. “This is just the latest round of anti-carbohydratism from activist judges and dietitians in this country. We had hoped that with the death of Dr. Robert Atkins we might see a decrease in persecution.”
John West a spokesman for the Discovery Institute, an organization based in Seattle, Washington, which is spearheading a movement to push Christianity into the laboratory and bring scientists to heel admitted, “We were a little queasy about the Dover school board action because it went too far. We are probably a little more queasy with the Church of FSM and their goals because they are a little al dente for our taste.”
Roberts said in conclusion that the fight to reverse global warming, earthquakes, and hurricanes would continue. “Recruitment is increasing, as we see daily in the news off the coasts of South America, Asia, and Africa. Our prediction is that this judicial setback will have the opposite effect and increase exposure and interest in our cause. To His greater glory I say, Ramen.”