"Iraq is a quagmire and we are never getting out!" Admits Donald Rumsfeld.

Unconfirmed sources has received a secretly recorded audio tape of the Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld briefing the President on the dire situation in Iraq. On the tape Rumsfeld admits that the whole Iraq invasion was a mistake and that there was no way the U.S. Military was going to get out of there with a shred of honor. He also wonders aloud how long the administration can keep the wool pulled over the American public’s eyes.

The Rumsfeld Tape was delivered the Unconfirmed Sources Washington newsroom yesterday and has since be authenticated by a former FBI voice analysis expert. The voices on the tape are indeed Donald Rumsfeld and George W. Bush. (Editors note: Shortly after the publication of this news item Secret Service agents raided our offices and after breaking lots of furniture took possession of the audio tape. We do not anticipate it will be returned to us.)

The briefing starts out like normal with lots of Iraqi happy talk blather then suddenly Donald Rumsfeld seems to have some sort of metal break down or psychological event. What follows is a transcript of the briefing starting at the moment of the psychological event.”

RUMSFELD: “Honestly, Mr. President I think that it is time I start telling you the truth about what is happening in Iraq.”

BUSH: “Huh?”

RUMSFELD: “Yeah, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but we are getting our butts kicked over there. The situation is getting real bad.”

BUSH: “What?”

RUMSFELD: “The Iraqi insurgence is taking a serious toll on our military. Our boys are getting killed over there and I have to tell you. Iraq is a quagmire and we are never getting out.”

BUSH: “Quagmire?”

RUMSFELD: “Yep. I’m telling you like it is George, this thing is a total mess. Now I know this is coming as a big surprise, we should have let read the newspaper once and while, but everybody hates you.”

BUSH: “Me?”