Iraqi Insurgency Crippled By High Gas Prices and Used Car Shortage

Unconfirmed sources report that the Iraqi insurgency is indeed in its final days. It has been financially crippled by the high cost of gasoline and a shortage of used cars to be used in suicide car bomb attacks. The cost of gasoline has sky rocketed since the invasion and so many cars have been blown up there are hardly any left. If the insurgency can’t find new sources of funding to buy new cars and expensive gas it will soon disappear completely.

“This is classic war making.” Explained John Kensington of Jane’s Defense Weekly. “The US Military is denying it’s enemies the resources to wage war, without gas and cheap cars the insurgents will have to adopt new tactics or they will be defeated. I don’t know what the insurgents will do, but the US military has defiantly backed them into a corner.”

US military sources indicated that they are the ones behind the global spike in oil and gas prices and are glad that high gas prices are having the desired effect on the insurgency. They are also claiming that they have banned the transport of used cars into Iraq in an attempt to starve the terrorists of key war making supplies. By all accounts the US strategy is working like a charm.

“The streets of Iraq are empty these days.” Says PBS Network FRONTLINE correspondent Martin Smith. “There just aren’t any cars left. Sure there are hundreds of burnt out wrecks everywhere, but running cars, good luck. I’ve been in Iraq for months and have seen the number of private cars on the road plunge, and the prices go to the moon. The insurgents just can’t find used cars to make into car bombs. They are having to order new ones from the showroom to keep up a steady supply and the cost is killing them. If they can’t get a more money or a supply of old Fiats or Peugeots this insurgency is going to be history.”

“Getting cars is bad enough, but it’s the gas prices that are really killing us.” Admits Jordanian terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. “Back in the day we would get a used beater for $300 bucks, put in $2 of gas and a few crates of TNT and you had a nice car bomb. Now, with gas so expensive, we just can’t afford to waste it by blowing it up. I mean just the other day we had to abort a mission because we ran out of gas. Allah was not pleased us that day, I’ll tell you. If gas prices don’t fall soon we are going to have to file for Chapter 11 and then where would we be? It’s a mess.”