Jailing Texas Politicians Would Cut Crime Rate

Washington/Yellowcake- Congressional Republicans have responded with anger to the comments of former Assistant to the Associate Director for Developments in the Education Department under the Carter Administration and talk show host Elmo Lamont Hassenfeiger that “Texas politicians should all be locked up” to reduce crime in the country. Hassenfeiger said on his Wednesday afternoon show that “jailing a few Texas politicians would cut the country’s crime rate considerably”. He added that “starting at the top of the pyramid would tend to keep more lawbreakers from slopping at the public trough.”

In response, the nation’s top level Republican politicians have condemned the comments. Tom DeLay, House Majority Leader until his indictment on a charge of conspiracy to violate political fund-raising laws, used Hassenfeiger’s comments as an example of the vast left wing conspiracy that he alleged was out to get him. “This is precisely the kind of insensitive, hurtful and ignorant rhetoric that honest and God-fearing conservative public servants and their constituents have grown tired of,” said DeLay.

DeLay went on to say that his indictment initiated by Billy Bob Jerry Lee Lee of Sagebrush County, Texas was just a small bump in the road of his career. “The left wing conspiracy has used all of their might to attack me and everything that I stand for. If I have to play a round at every private Country Club in the country to drum up support, then let the greens fee donors start lining up. When left wing wacko’s attack, my legal defense fund needs all the help it can get.” he added.

President George W. Bush was busy cutting brush in the White House Rose Garden and could not be reached for comment.

Other Republicans in Congress, when asked to comment have replied, “Who?”

Under a pledge to not be quoted for attribution, one senior Congressman stated that “With all the Governors under indictment, it was inevitable that similar problems would be awaiting those in the House and Senate.”

Hassenfeiger has released a statement that he fully expects his listening audience to double as a result of the national exposure his show received. “We fully expect a increase of 25-that’s people, not share or ratings points, and that’s pretty good for a Progressive radio station.”