Japanese Get Diplomas, Bush Is Committed and Intelligent Design For IDiots: Unconfirmed Sources N…

Now They Can Finally Get A Job At McDonalds:

Some fifty years after being released from the internment camps where they spent the years of the Second World War, sixty Japanese-Americans were finally awarded the high school diplomas they were denied due to their incarceration. The diplomas were issued as part of President George W. Bush’s No Child Left Behind Initiative. In a statement issued from his Crawford, Texas ranch where he is in hiding from Cindy Sheehan, Mr. Bush said, ” My heart goes out to all of those who lost or were denied their diplomas in the war, but they must remember that their diplomas were given for a Noble Cause and the best way to honor them is to stay in Iraq…uh, school, until the Mission is Accomplished yet again.”

The Best Way To Fix A Mistake Is To Keep Making It:

In response to falling poll numbers indicating that the majority of Americans disagree with his handling of the war in Iraq, Social Security, the economy, stem cell research, gas prices, Cindy Sheehan, terrorism and John Bolton (which are one in the same thing really), President bush is scheduled to run away from the protests at his Crawford ranch and give a speech to the VFW in the Mormon stronghold of Salt Lake City, Utah. In a released transcript of his speech Mr. Bush will tell the assembled veterans that, “I have given my credibility and the misguided perception that the American people had of my bravery, honesty and straight-shooteredness (sic) in the pursuit of a Noble Cause and the best way to honor my self destruction is to continue to order our soldiers to fight and die in Iraq until the Mission is Accomplished yet again. After all, that’s a whole easier than coming up with an actual strategy.”

It’s All Gods Fault:
President Bush has re-iterated his desire that Intelligent Design be taught in high schools across America and Iraq alongside Evolution as a way of explaining how Evangelical Christians were created. Intelligent Design, or ID as it is known, postulates that God is responsible for all the wars, pollution, poverty, racism, natural disasters and illness in the world, not natural selection. Proponents of ID, or IDiots as they are known, believe that the world is only six thousand years old, God lives on the planet Kolob, that the world was once completely covered with water in a biblical flood but got better after forty days and nights, that John Kerry, Max Cleland and Cindy Sheehan are Satanist traitors and that stem cells have a soul but Iraqi’s do not. President Bush has issued a statement from his Crawford ranch where is he trying to keep himself from becoming unbalanced by refusing to meet with Cindy Sheehan but happily meeting with Republican Donors saying, “The teaching of ID is a Noble Cause and the best way to honor the loss of both mine and Evangelical Christians sanity is to continue to fight in Iraq until the Mission is Accomplished yet again.”