Jeb Bush Launches Probe into Schiavo Collapse and President Lincoln's Assassination

Unconfirmed sources report that Jeb Bush in an attempt to deflect attention from the autopsy findings in the Schiavo case has launched an investigation into the death of Abe Lincoln and Terri Schiavo. The two cases, while not formally linked by authorities, are very similar in the mind of Governor Bush and need to be carefully investigated. Bush has ordered all Florida law enforcement personal to aggressively investigate these important cases.

Governor Bush spoke to a group of reporters in Tallahassee about the new investigation. “Mr. Lincoln and Ms. Schiavo both died of brain injuries received in mysterious circumstances and I am determined to bring those responsible to justice. We have records and records of records that indicate the both victims did not receive proper medical attention in a timely fashion.”

“I agree, this investigation needs to be done.” Said Senator Bill Frist, who famously diagnosed Ms. Schiavo as ‘as conscious as President Bush.’ “In my expert opinion, having studied none of the facts of either case, Ms. Schaivo and Mr. Lincoln have both been the victims of a conspiracy of bad care and reckless treatment. Mr. Bush is doing the right thing here and needs to be supported in his efforts to get this issue back into the win column for Republicans, I mean to do just for these poor people.”

In response to a reporters question about the recent autopsy of Ms. Schaivo Mr. Bush became defensive and angry. “This investigation has nothing to do with the fact that the entire right wing political establishment of the county is trying to use this case to score political points! This has nothing to do with my re-election effort. Ms. Schavio was murdered