Jessica Simpson Explodes At 37,000 Feet

(New York–NY) Boobs by DuPont? That’s question that’s been following Jessica Simpson, or, more correctly, her breasts on her Dukes of Hazzard press tour. And it may have been answered by an alleged explosion on board Virgin Air Flight 281 en route from Heathrow to JFK that frayed the nerves of passengers and Homeland Security personnel but may have simply been one of Jessica Simpson’s implants “popping.”

First Class flight attendant, Euphemia Grace (second cousin to noted CNN legal crusader Nancy Grace) gave her account. “I was just coming out of the First Class lavatory helping a passenger with a stain on his pants. I heard from the front of the cabin a female voice say: ‘No, not again’. This was followed by what sounded like zzzzzzzpooooofff, like a passenger life vest deflating.” When asked how Grace was certain it was Simpson she replied: “Elementary, there are no passenger life vests in first class. Uh, you may want to leave that last part out.”

Noted catheter distributor, John P. Watkins, who was sitting next to Simpson, filled out the incident.” I was telling her about my business. She said: ‘Oh, Mr. Watkins, you’re such a pisser.’ I didn’t think she was so witty. The plane climbed in altitude, and Ms. Simpson got a worried look on her face and started clutching her bosom. I remember it was the left, uh…one because I thought she was having a heart attack. The next thing I knew I was on the floor and my ears were ringing like a bomb had just gone off.”

When asked how he could be certain it was Simpson who exploded, Watkins said: “When I came to, she was standing over me very concerned and she looked, how shall I say this…lopsided in a certain area.” Grace was more direct. “Her boob blew out like a radial tire past its prime.”

Calls to Simpson’s publicist were met with a categorical denial of the incident; further, they claim that Simpson’s canceling all of her Dukes of Hazzard press events for the next two weeks was simply due to treatment for a routine eating disorder.

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