In a move that shocked and surprised the Christian community, Jesus Christ, Son of God, has called his Father a dead beat dad in His tell-all autobiography “King of Kings?”.
“First off, He goes and gets my mother pregnant, and then He doesn’t even have the nerve to tell her to her face. She had to find out from one of His friends!” Christ lamented. “Then, He drops her like a hot potato. Fortunately, she found a nice guy, Joseph, to live with. Now, Joseph’s a nice guy and everything, he accepted Me as his own son, and he taught Me trades, but I still feel like I’m lacking that special bond that sons possess with their Fathers.” Christ then began to weep. “In all of My thirty-three years, do you think I’ve seen one cent in child support? And whose idea do you think it was for me to die so that others will have eternal life? My last words were, ‘Daddy, Daddy, where are you, Daddy?!’. It was only that would-be writer John that claimed I said ‘My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?’ and that ‘the prophecy is accomplished’ crap. My dad was also into polygamy. Do you know how many women say they’re married to the Lord?”
Christ then bent forward. ‘I don’t even want to think of how many children He has. Hopefully He’s been a better daddy to them. Only one should feel this kind of pain.’
“Dead beat dads are text book cases,” states Tabitha Melfi, author of “What to do When One Parent Doesn’t Love You”. “And it’s certainly not surprising when God is called one. He has the classic characteristics: He’s too busy worrying about business affairs, and some would call him distant, even unattached. Where was God during the Holocaust? Where was God when the Tutsis were being slaughtered? Why the ‘tough love’ approach all the time?”
Anthony Falco was one of the many Christians surprised at the claim. “This changes my whole relationship with Him,” Falco stated. “If God doesn’t even care for His only Son adequately, how do I know He will look after me and my family?” Falco then went on to say he would look for a more responsible deity to worship.
Cardinal John Stevens was floored by Christ’s autobiography. ‘The Church has enough problems on its hands right now, what with sagging attendance rates and child molestation allegations. You know,’ Stevens continued, ‘Christ hasn’t lead the most wholesome life. There was a reason He cavorted with that Mary Magdalene character. He also used to partake in kaneh-bosm, which is Hebrew for cannabis, with His closest disciples. This is probably just a way of getting attention.’ Stevens then excused him to attend Mass.
When asked to comment on His Son’s claims, God responded, “That ungrateful little brat! Do you know how many followers His little tantrum cost me? Yeah, I wasn’t all that emotionally connected with Him when He was younger. But He’s my right hand man now-literally. What more could He want?” When asked to describe His relationship with His father, God angrily responded, “I have no father!”