John McCain Blasts Results Of Surge, Obama's Prediction of Victory

(10/1/08) Republican presidential candidate, Arizona Senator John McCain, today blasted his Democratic rival, Illinois Senator Barak Obama’s prediction of victory in November, saying the results of any surge in the polls would be short lived at best. But recent indications are that the Obama surge indeed is working, despite Senator McCain’s prediction of failure.

The Quinnipiac University poll, conducted both before and after last week’s presidential debate and in the midst of the nations current economic crisis, have give Senator Obama a clear lead in the key states of Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania with their combined 68 of the 270 electoral votes that either candidate needs to win the presidential election. The latest numbers show Sen. Obama leading In Florida and Ohio by 8% (51-43 and 50-42, respectively) and in Pennsylvania by a surprising 15% (54-39).

Unnamed McCain Campaign Spokesman Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” Surge, splurge. Just like George W. Bush, Senator John McCain has never paid attention to poll numbers. By the same token, he’s never paid attention to shifting public opinion. Actually, now that I think about it, I’m not sure he pays a whole lot of attention to much of anything these days. He gets this far away look in his eyes a lot when you’re talking to him and keeps humming “Hail to the Chief” under his breath. It’s kinda creepy.”

While whether Mr. McCain is paying attention or not may not be clear, what is clear is that in the last 47 years, almost half of John McCain’s lifetime, no presidential candidate has ever won the election without chalking up at least two of these three vote rich states in his column. In John McCain’s case, it’s unsure if that column is Doric or Ionic.

Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that if John McCain loses I change his character into a bleeding heart liberal and make him an unnamed source for Barak Obama said, “I admit, it’s a little hard to understand why these three states are moving away from John McCain…after all, John has his finger on the pulse of the problems they face today. In Pennsylvania, he’s promised to declare a state of emergency in the areas affected by the Johnstown Flood, put out the fire on the Cuyahoga River in Ohio and most importantly, push to have Florida admitted to the Union as a full fledged Slave State.”

And finally (finally), continuing to speak on the condition that 68% of the stories I write between now and the election contain at least one reference to his name in order to beef up his Google Search results, Waterhouse ended, “Even if these latest numbers are correct- and anytime you talk about John McCain and numbers in the same sentence you can never be sure of anything- we’re certain things will turn back around after Sarah Palin debates Joe Biden on Thursday. When that woman speaks about foreign policy, we all feel the threat of Russian bombs…well, some kinda bomb, anyway.”