Arizona Senator John McCain yesterday jumped all over a statement made Democratic Vice Presidential nominee, Delaware Senator Joe Biden, who predicted an “international crisis”, probably within the first six months of an Obama Presidency, the logic being that some country or group will, according to Senator Biden, generate a scenario to “test the mettle” of the new American leader. The premise of Mr. McCain’s statement is that “now is not the time for on the job training” and so you’d better elect him instead if you want to stay safe and warm. For those of our readers who may have forgotten, John McCain is that Republican guy who I think is running for president this year.
Mr. McCain, in a speech he gave to several dozen avid followers at a basketball court somewhere in the Midwest pointed out that only a leader with proven experience in handling a large scale crisis was fit the move into the White House. He cited Abraham Lincoln, an untried Illinois lawyer, who’s presidency led directly to the Civil War, and Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who’s first days in office were spent dealing with a collapsing US financial system and Great Depression, as well as John F. Kennedy, a young Senator from Massachusetts who was forced to deal with Soviet expansion during the first year of his term in office as examples of what untried presidents might face.
Mr. McCain said, “Joe Biden has made a very strong and disturbing point. If these men didn’t come into office with the decades of experience that I’ve had being in serious crisis, then where would American be today? In a very different place, my friends. We could be in South Africa or Honduras…maybe Vladivostok, anywhere really. I might be speaking to you in Paris from a bunker in Terra del Fuego! That’s why we need a strong leader who’s ready to do….um, something…right on day one.”
While aides closely monitored Mr. McCain’s Xanax IV drip, the GOP candidate continued, “My friends…can I call you my friends? After all, I feel very friendly towards you. You all seem like such nice people and I feel I’ve known you for some time now. Where are we? Well, that’s right. Look at what I did during that money thing that happened not too long ago, I’m not sure exactly when it was now, but I just stopped whatever it was I was doing and hurried to Washington to fix the problem. Then I left Washington as soon as I realized I had gone to the state, not the Capitol place and suspended my campaign until the crisis wasn’t over but long enough to get some TV coverage. That, my friends, is how you lead from day one.”
As the assembled few stared at the candidate, wondering what the hell he was talking about, Sarah Palin quietly walked out onto the stage and whispered softly and comfortingly to him while taking his hand and leading him from the room.
Unnamed McCain Campaign Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “This is how we like to see John, aggressive, well versed in place names and slightly sedated.”