John McCain Vows To Battle Budget Crisis Till After Friday's Debate…No, Wait.

Arizona Senator John McCain promised his remaining constituent today to keep the debate over the Wall Street Rescue package going, “…until I’m satisfied that a) the mistakes that my economic advisor Phil Gramm made in deregulating the market have been addressed, b) there is bi-partisan agreement among the Republicans of both Houses of Congress and c) that it’s way too late fly back to Mississippi for the debates.

Illinois (an aside here- thanks to this election, after fifty years, I finally learned how to spell Illinois without looking it up) Senator Barak Obama has vowed to attend the debate with or without Mr. McCain’s participation. Instead of facing off with the Republican candidate however, he said in a phone conference today that he would instead debate with John McCain’s great-great-great grandson, Skip, who by a happy coincidence is celebrating his twenty first birthday today.

While Skippy is certainly not a substitute for the real thing, he’s assured the debate committee that his Great-Great-Great Grandpa John has scrawled some talking points on a (thankfully) unused Depends adult sanitary device that he can refer to from time to time. And like his fore-bearer, Skippy promises to offer his own economic plan that he says “…will make sure the American people will stop their fiscal whining.”

Mr. McCain’s absence actually solves a great many problems for the GOP- first, the Arizona senator’s recent public remarks have devolved from a maverick-like unpredictability to a dementia-like lunacy. Second, Senator Obama’s calm and thoughtful demeanor contrasts somewhat unfavorably to Senator McCain’s crotchety attitude which sometimes suggests that old guy next door who keeps your ball when it rolls onto his lawn, and third, these days it’s hard to tell if John McCain’s completely awake most of the time. Skippy provides a welcome reprieve from the reality that they picked a candidate that’s really out there.

Unnamed McCain spokesman Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that his short position in the market doesn’t erase any gains he’s made in oil and weapons stocks in the last eight years said, ” You’ve got to understand, John McCain feels he has to play to the Base, and his cynical grandstanding while our financial system collapses is about as base as you can get.”

Update: As of this writing Senator McCain has changed his mind again and agreed to meet in debate with Senator Obama in Mississippi tonight after Skippy announced that he’s switching his backing to Senator Obama, citing the fact that Great-Great-Great-Gramps still is refusing to let him have his ball back, a critical aspect in his participation and support.