(The United Nations : New York) Unconfirmed Sources report new developments in the Lebanon crisis. The UN member nations were shocked today when Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert pledged over 4 billion dollars in emergency and reconstruction aid. What started as a good humored celebrity roast of the UN secretary General Kofi Anan turned into a mocking barrage of insults focusing on the UN’s failure to act in the face of a growing crisis. Before the pair completed their blistering attack on the gathered nations, Stewart and Cobert also committed 5000 troops to the peace keeping effort. “Right back at ya’ France!”
Unconfirmed Sources reached The Comedy Central network spokesman Gilbert Godfry for his reaction to the pledge. “I think it’s just like Jon and Stephen to take on this problem. I know they are sick of watching buffoons like George W. Bush talk about peace while only waging war.” When asked if the pledge was a stunt designed to launch the Stewart/Colbert’08 campaign? “Hell yes it’s a stunt, if Jon had access to Air Force One you know he would be using it to ferry relief supplies to Southern Lebanon.” Those close to the campaign know Stephen would more than likely fly down to Texas for some deep fried pork ribs and a week of afternoon naps.
Unconfirmed Sources also contacted noted Mideast expert Juan Cole to ask his opinion on the matter. “I think it’s a great idea for Jon and Stephen to take on the problems in Lebanon. With troops to maintain the peace, and money to relieve the suffering they have a good chance of replacing Hezbollah as a political power in Lebanon.” Cole went on to state, “Before the Stewart/Colbert pledge the pitifully small aid pledges of UN, France and the United States insured that only Hezbollah would have any presence in South Lebanon.” Cole stated off the record that Israel could do itself a huge favor by sending medical and food aid into Lebanon.
Kofi Anon was in tears after the roast. He then thanked Stewart and Colbert for pointing out the failure of the United Nations response to the war in Lebanon. “I’m thrilled that Jon and Stephen are finally brining a serious effort to help stabilize Lebanon and thanks to them for giving the people of South Lebanon a choice between truthiness and terror.”