Justice Dept. Concludes Domestic Spying Leak Probe

Washington, DC (UPSI) – Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced today that yesterday’s announced investigation into leaking of classified information in regards to illegal, warrantless, and unconstitutional surveillance by the Bush administration has been officially closed. Gonzales stated that the investigation concluded rapidly and that the perpetrators were being rounded up as he spoke. Citing national security, he stated that he could not comment with further specifics on a formerly ongoing investigation which was not now ongoing but moving into the rendition phase that he could neither confirm nor deny. He did however state that the perpetrators would not be tortured in any way, shape, or form outside of the definitions established by the administration.

Gonzalez went on to explain that the investigation was initiated from within the Department of Justice and not at the behest of President Bush who was informed later. He stated that the President was happy and excited with the results of the investigation and was in agreement with forgoing any type of open trial or prosecution. He stated that the Department of Justice would be working closely with the CIA for dispositions in the case, and that the President’s desire and indeed, executive privilege, to not know would be kept up to the minute.

Gonzalez also stated that the two-year investigation and impending prosecutions in the Valerie Plame affair would be likely circumvented through the fruits of his investigation. He stated that the original leaker of Ms. Plame’s undercover identity was also caught up in this most recent investigation’s net, and that Scooter Libby would likely be having all charges against him dropped and his position reinstated within the week.

In a possibly related story, half of the editorial board for the New York Times and the Washington Post vanished last night, leaving family members dumbfounded. The New York Times this morning announced the rehiring and promotion of Judith Miller as editor-in-chief.

White House spokesperson Trent Duffy stated, “The leaking of classified malfeasance is a serious issue. When the fact that George W. Bush has no playbook is printed on the front page, that has serious ramifications.”

Attempts were made to contact independent legal experts for commentary on today’s developments but everyone contacted stated that they were in hiding and that it would be foolish to comment.