Karl Rove Calls Me


Another morning, another unwelcome phone call. I just wanted to read the morning paper but my cell phone keeps vibrating in my pocket, normally a pleasant sensation, but right now it’s just too early. Still half asleep I reached for the phone, knocking my coffee over. Cursing, I answered, ” What?!”

“Chuck? It’s Karl Rove.”, the voice on the other side answered. Great, I would rather it was a telemarketer. ” Sorry about your coffee,”, he said, ” but I’ve got to talk to you on double deep background.”

” Funny comment about the coffee Karl.”, I replied grumpily, looking around for the camera; I thought I had found them all. ” You’d think you guys would spend more time watching terrorists and Ted Kennedy and less time watching people like me. What do you want anyway?”

‘Well son, it’s about those things you’ve been writing about me and the President. I really need you to stop that.”

” Stop? Why? They’re just little fluff pieces I write for fun. No one even reads them.”

“Actually, The President just saw one,” Karl answered, ” It got mixed in with his intelligence briefing this morning and now he wants to bomb you. Boy, was he hotter than Texas road tar.”

” Aw, geez, Karl, how did that happen? Pretty sloppy on your peoples part. Don’t you guys ever vet your information before it gets to the big guys desk?”, I smiled, ” Intelligence Briefing, huh? That must be interesting, trying to give George Bush intelligence. Does any of it ever stick?”

” Cut that out!”, Karl screamed into my ear, ” I’m sick of people asking that! Look, either you stop writing those cow cookies or I’m gonna out you to the press.”

“Out me? How? I’m just a carpenter, not some covert CIA operative.”

“You’re not?”, he asked, confused, ” Our information, which was deemed to be credible at the time, indicated that you were involved in undercover operations and represented a clear and present danger to this Administration…uh, country.”

” Well, I’m not. Don’t you guys ever check with anybody before you do anything?”

” Not really”, he admitted, ” We just sort of scan the reports they send over and pull the juicy bits out. Then again, sometimes we just make it up out of whole cloth; whatever works at the time. All that in-depth analysis shit takes too much time and frankly, too much reading gives the President a headache. Now, are you gonna cut it out?”

” Sure Karl, if you want me to.”

” You’re not lying now boy, are you?”

“I’m being as honest with you as you’re Administration is with America.”, I assured him.

” Oh, boy,” he groaned, ” That’s what I was afraid of.”