Karl Rove in Serious Condition, Victim of Suspected Poisoning

Georgetown, DC (APE) – The president’s chief political adviser, Karl Rove, was rushed to Georgetown University Hospital last night in serious condition. The White House stated that Rove had been experiencing flu-like symptoms over the past two weeks with some reported hair loss. Police and hospital physicians suspected early on that Mr. Rove was likely the victim of a poisoning, and this morning stated that blood and urine tests had uncovered the agent.

Georgetown physicians this morning stated that Rove apparently had come into contact with a rare and deadly rhetorical isotope called Pelosium 2008. Authorities said that further investigation and testing revealed significant trace quantities throughout the Capitol Building, but stated that due to the incredibly short half-life, no threat was posted to Senators, Representatives or workers in the area.

Pelosium 2008, in susceptible individuals is noted to be highly neurotoxic, concentrating in the brain within the areas responsible for executive functioning. This can result in serious and long-standing lapses in judgment, with an inability to perform competently day-to-day activities. If left untreated, as is apparently the case with Mr. Rove, this can progress to other symptoms such as anemia, hair loss, and eventual organ failure, resembling a heavy metal type of poisoning.

Doctors related that they were hopeful that Mr. Rove would make a complete recovery, but stated that his condition would likely be touch and go over the next few weeks. They stated that it was a positive sign that they had not yet had to resort to IV fluids, as Mr. Rove was responding well to a Kool-Aid only diet by mouth.

While he has moved in and out of delirium, over the past 24 hours, Rove has apparently been very tight lipped about how he might have come into contact with the Pelosium. FBI authorities summoned onto the case stated that they had high hopes of tracking down the likely suspect, and that even minute traces of Pelosium 2008 are very readily detectable.

Family members and friends of Rove stepped forward very quickly to adamantly deny the possibility that Rove might have been either an intentional or inadvertent self-inflicted victim.

Hospital authorities refused to either confirm or deny rumors that Vice President Dick Cheney, and former Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman had sought treatment for similar symptoms, late last night. Other local hospitals braced for what was feared might be a rash of illnesses on Capitol Hill.

Homeland security head Michael Chertoff, looking ashen, and speaking through red, teary eyes, stated that as a result of the incident, he would be raising the terror alert level to red, the first time that it has been to this level since after the attacks on 9/11. He urged senators and representatives to remain calm, and continue working on the president’s agenda.