Kerry Attacks Bush… Physically

Democratic Presidential hopeful John F. Kerry has attacked George Bush once again…but this time physically. The Massachusetts Senator, who in the past has attacked the Presidents policies on Iraq, education, health care, employment and the environment said he was “just fed up with the little jerk.” so he took a cab from the Senate Chambers to the White House and pretending to be a pizza delivery guy, talked his way into the Oval Office. Once inside, the Senator threw off his Domino’s hat and leapt on George Bush, pummeling him repeatedly about the head and shoulders as Mr. Bush screamed, “Get him off! Get Him Off!”

Secret Service agents, at first reluctant to involve themselves in political issues allowed Senator Kerry to beat on the President for several minutes before restraining him. Then, paying for the double pepperoni pizza and escorting him to the White House Lounge, they bought him several drinks and traded funny Bush stories.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” I gotta admit, it was great. Kerry’s beating on the President yelling, ‘you’re a fucking liar, I hate you’ and Bush is screeching like a little girl and waving his arms all over the place. When no one was looking I even got in a kick to the President’s shins, just for the hell of it.”

Normally one Presidential Candidate beating up another would be frowned upon by the voting public, but Senator Kerry’s surprise attack on President Bush has seemed to have a positive effect on his campaign. One member of the now infamous ‘Undecided’ category, Festus P. Hymen of Billings, Montana said, ” You know, maybe that John Kerry has some sand after all. Bush just about had me convinced that Kerry was a Liberal Nancy Boy, but after this, well, I think he’s my guy.”

The White House, while denying that Kerry was able to best George Bush in a fist fight has issued a statement saying instead that the President was hurt fighting terrorist insurgents who broke into his bedroom while he and Laura were sharing one of their increasingly rare noogie nights.