Unconfirmed sources that Democratic candidate John Kerry sold his soul in exchange for a presidential win. “I had to,” Kerry admitted. “For the sake of the American people and for myself. After seeing the latest polls, I felt I was grasping at straws.
“Satan made an offer I couldn’t refuse,” Kerry added.
Many are concerned with Senator Kerry’s decision of eternal damnation in exchange for four years as president. “It’s very Socratic of him,” muses Laura Kent, political science major at Michigan State University. “To be sentenced to an afterlife of hell in exchange for Americans