Key to Victory in Iraq: Is it Time for the Duke?

As our political leadership wonders why our citizens have seemingly lost interest in the war in Iraq, we have to ask ourselves where the next John Wayne is. Through World War II, Korea, Viet Nam and a couple of oil well fires around the world, Duke was there to show us how it should be done. Today, our example is our Commander-in Chief, almost a leader in the Texas Air National Guard. If they had made a movie called “Close to the Middle Gun”, he would have been perfect for it.

With the long span since Sean Penn and a couple of Brat Packers learned how great the smell of napalm was in the morning, the current group of guys wearing chocolate chip colored clothes haven’t seen many military heroes. So far, the best fighter of this war seems to be their boss, Donald (Rummy) Rumsfelt, fighting questions about supplies.

So to aid the cause, I suggest that the government immediately begin producing a motion picture. With his new liposuction, capped teeth and baby blue contact lenses, that almost invisible public servant and Unconfirmed Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse would be perfect for the hero.

For his love interest, our hero needs someone like The Invisible Woman of the Fantastic Four or her alter ego, Susan Storm. The plot would be simple enough for two invisible people. Iraq needs a big bandage to hold the country together and to protect it from germs, being taken over by Osama Bin Laden, or most of its provinces breaking off.

I’ll leave it to the screen writers to figure out how they steal the oil to make a 5 billion pound bandage made of Flubber with smiley faces on it. Stretching the Flubber so it only occasionally slingshots Syria or Kuwait into the sea should be no job at all for our Superheroes.

With the money that the war is costing, spending a few hundred million for a movie for our troops would be a small investment. And with the efficiency of our government purchasing system, the approvals for story and the changes as the war continues, you can expect the movie to be ready sometime after the fifth anniversary of the uniting of Iran and Iraq.

But a bonus would be that the movie makers will have plenty of Humvees for action shots, most with very little armor or IED damage. By that time, no one in the world but Hollywood could afford the diesel fuel for them. Mission accomplished?